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RIP ripped Nuts

October 11, 2009

benfoldsmnorchI just cracked open my latest copy of Minnesota Monthly magazine and there was my man, Ben Folds.

October 31st can’t come soon enough. Ben Folds and the Minnesota Orchestra. Good god!

I wonder if they’ll do Bitches Ain’t Shit.


In other Logic news:

Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, had another big damn day yesterday. Only we might not have known it had the woman across the street not come to our front door to let us know that she’d just retrieved our golden for us.

Seems we had ourselves a chain of tomfoolery going on around here. Follow me here, will you?

1) Ricky Nugget and Thing 1 spent some time outdoors in the morning, getting the outside of the house ready for the very long winter we’re apparently going to suffer through this season (we got snow on Friday night, it did not get warm enough to melt it all away).

2) Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, played outside in her giant fenced-in yard after they were done.

3) The doorbell rang and our neighbor, who’s name I can never remember, informed us that she had just returned our hyperbeast to the back yard, after Stella Mirra had run over to visit. How she got the dog to do anything for her, I have no idea.

4) The Big Nugget and I did a tour of the back yard, where we found no unlatched gates (there are 4 gates on the 4 ft. high picket fence) Which means that Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, is now a leaper. Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, who won’t jump over the baby gate that blocks the door to her bedroom. Yes, Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, has her own bedroom. Making our house officially too big.

5) “Oh!” said The Big Nugget, “I may have left the privacy gate open earlier!”

And yes, that was the case. Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, saw that as an invitation to wander the neighborhood for a visit. I can’t blame her for that. But I can blame her for this…

nutsdemiseShe ate Thing 2’s Nuts.

That would make it two dead squirrels, for anyone keeping track of the number of squirrels Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, has killed since we adopted her.

I knew something was up when I honed in on the fact that the dog was not sitting right under me and she was awfully quiet for a not-normally-quiet dog.

So imagine my surprise when I turned around to see a long trail of those little plastic pellets that give a Beanie Baby it’s innards.

“No!” I yelled at the dog, “Not Nuts!”

Then, “Thing 2! Stella ate your Nuts!”

“Okay,” he said. Like the demise of his Nuts meant nothing to him. He got the vacuum and cleaned up the innards. And didn’t seem sad at all that his only remaining Beanie Baby (the only one who had survived the Great Beanie Baby Donation of ’04) was now dead and deflated.

When Ricky Nugget got home from wherever he had been, and one should always assume it’s the buying of something hardware-ish, I said dramatically, “Stella ate Nuts!”

“Oh no!” Ricky Nugget dramatically replied.

“What in the hell is wrong with you two?” Thing 2 asked. “It’s a damn beanie baby! God!”

“But it’s Nuts!” I said. “Remember? ‘I can’t believe I’ve got Nuts in my pocket!’ you said, ‘I’m the only one that’s got Nuts in my pocket!’” (This was said in the aisle at the little local drugstore, causing snickering aisles all around)

“Let it go, mom” he replied.



Last night (did you think this entry was over?) I ordered pizza for Thing 2 and a couple of his friends at 10:30. Then I handed the cash to Ricky Nugget and headed downstairs to hang out on the computer.

Doorbell rings, The Big Nugget pays, the guys eat the pizza. About 5 minutes later Ricky Nugget yells down the stairs…

“How much was the pizza?”

“18” I said.

“How  much money did you give me?”

“23” I said.

“Uh. What made you think it was only 18?”

“I think that’s what I saw when I ordered it on-line”

And then I worried. I went to my e-mail and looked at the confirmation. $21.98. Damn. A tip of $1.02? What an asshat!

About a half an hour went by  and I headed upstairs, grabbed my purse and said to The Big Nugget, “I’ll be right back. I’ve got to give that guy more tip.”

Ricky Nugget gave no reaction. He is immune to my urges to chase down pizza delivery guys and give them more tip, apparently.

I drove over to our Pizza Hut and arrived just as two drivers were pulling in.

“Hey!” I said to the big guy who’s delivered pizza to our house before, “Did you deliver pizza to my house a bit ago, {address given to him here}?”

“I did” he replied.

“We didn’t tip you!” I said.

“Yes you did,” he replied. “Your pizza was 21.98 and you gave me 23” (apparently the numbers were stuck in his head because, hells bells, what a cheap damn house he’d just delivered pizza to).

“No. That wasn’t a tip, here you go” and I handed him a 5.

I probably didn’t have to go to that length but I figured it was easier to run 3 minutes from my home and fix it than it would be to spend any more time feeling like a cheap asshat. Not that I give a shit what a random pizza delivery person might think about me. More like the fact that I understand that somebody who’s delivering a pizza is probably counting every penny they make on any given night.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. October 11, 2009 12:32 pm

    That’s karma; doing the right thing…will come back to haunt you. I’ve also heard it said that no good deed goes unpunished.

    • October 11, 2009 5:27 pm

      I’m confused. Am I going to be punished because I drove over to give the pizza guy a tip? Is my neighbor going to be hit by lightning because she returned my dog? Is Ben Folds going to die because he’s playing with the Minnesota Orchestra? Karma has been turned against me, why?

  2. Lisa permalink
    October 11, 2009 7:55 pm

    My son had the same Beanie Baby and we did just as much joking. Good times!

  3. October 13, 2009 11:09 am

    The death of any boy’s Nuts is a very sad thing indeed!! I would have been a bit more devastated than Thing 1. Also I think it’s damned fabulous that you hunted the delivery dude down and gave him more tip. I hate stiffing people.

    Also, I thought of you yesterday at the art festival because I saw a lady wearing a sweatshirt that said Thing 1. I was thinking maybe you should get the Thing 2 sweatshirt for your son. Would he wear it? I would.

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