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Thievery, Floofy, Poo, Phone, Gas, and Beef

December 29, 2009

So many random things on my mind today:

I stole a dozen eggs from the lady in front of me at Wal*Mart yesterday. On accident. Didn’t realize it until I’d gotten home and had three dozen eggs in my bags. I don’t know who will be madder, that lady, who had to go back and get more eggs; or Wal*Mart who had a sign up saying “Limit 2 Dozen” on their eggs. I’m kind of glad I got away with a third dozen eggs. Who does Wal*Mart think they are, limiting my egg dozens to three?

The Big Nugget not only gave me a hand-made fleece blanket, he gave me a big white floofy robe. I had to exchange it for a bigger version (he thinks I’m so petite) so last night was the first night I put it on. I spent the evening the living room, all by myself, with my feet up on the couch – sipping wine – watching t.v. and pretending I was in a spa. Unfortunately, the masseuse never appeared.

After having a discussion with my pal, Dan, who basically told me to quit being a big baby, I made an appointment with an orthopedic specialist to get to the bottom of my back issue. Did I mention that my back went out on Christmas Day? Dan said I had to quit worrying about surgery recuperation and get something fixed that I’ve been bitching about for a long time.

So I called to make an appointment with orthopedic specialist our family uses, only to find out that he died over a year ago. And this made me very very very sad because a) he was very good at what he did, and b) he was hot. Hot people should not die. I booked an appointment with his partner. I don’t know if he’s hot. I mostly hope that he’s good at being an orthopedic specialist.

Do you know that I’m afraid of having back surgery (not that I’ll have to have back surgery) because of someone I know who had back surgery that had to use a little extender stick for wiping her butt? It’s a Poop Factor fear. Dan said I needed to quit worrying about the poop factor and get my back fixed. He’d had surgery and apparently didn’t have poop issues.

Part of my phone conversation with Dan also covered the fact that he’s cutting his telephone land line (a number I’ve had memorized since the early 80s) and I explained to Dan that I would be afraid to cut our land line because if I did, I’d just know that the very next day I’d be home alone, suffer a seizure that made me unable to speak. Of course, I’d be able to die 9-1-1, but then I wouldn’t be able to tell them where I was. Also? My cellphone doesn’t have any reception in our basement, and only 1 bar that comes and goes, on the first floor. That if we cut our land line, I’d better make sure to have my seizure either out in the yard or upstairs as we have good reception on the 2nd floor.

Dan didn’t say it, but I’m pretty sure he now knows that I’m really weird. Because after having known me for over 30 years, he just now figured it out.

I want to learn how to make creme brulee. That is my major goal for 2010. So, while The Big Nugget and I were standing in line at Wal*Mart (before I stole that lady’s eggs) I said, “I wonder where I can buy one of those little cans of butane fluid – for my creme brulee torch?” (I have all the equipment necessary to make creme brulee, except the fluid for my torch). The Big Nugget, being a scrappy scrounger said, “I wonder if you can use another type of fluid.” “I am not using my MAPP gas (that I have for beadmaking) because that’ll make my creme brulee smell like a fart!” (The lady in front of us chuckled over that. She didn’t realize that she was mere seconds away from being robbed). “I need one of those little bottles to squirt the fluid into my torch, how in the hell am I going to get other fluid into the torch?” “Dunk it” he replied. Dunk it. What an asshat.

I was going to make 2010 the Year of Beef because, to be honest, I cannot cook beef like they cook beef at the restaurants. Sure, I can whip up a mean hamburger but there’s more to beef than hamburger. I suck at broiling, pan searing, grilling steak. However, I made a standing rib roast for Christmas day and it was fabulous so I’ve decided to quit trying to cook beef in a variety of ways and stick to hamburgers and standing rib roasts.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. December 29, 2009 5:50 pm

    When you say Creme’ Brulee’ torch my mind went to one of thos $1 store butane torches we light the trash with. But then again I am all fancified like that.
    I love saying Creme’ Brulee” but alas, have never eaten it. I bet it’s heavenly!

  2. Barb permalink
    December 29, 2009 6:44 pm

    (The lady in front of us chuckled over that. She didn’t realize that she was mere seconds away from being robbed)

    Very funny!

  3. December 29, 2009 8:57 pm

    I suck at cooking meat too. I’m looking for a recipe to pan fry steak ’cause I hate to get out that frickin broiler and it makes such a mess!
    Maybe then my husband would stop whining about “only getting steak on Father’s Day”!

  4. December 30, 2009 7:47 am

    Back in the old days, before Julia Child ever used a torch for it, people used to put creme brulee under the broiler for that last blast on the crust. Check your cookbook.

    I think I’m gonna have to write the story of U.D.’s land line…

  5. Maureen permalink
    December 31, 2009 2:38 pm

    My husband makes creme brulee (I know, I am lucky!) so I asked for his recommendation for a torch. He uses a little one from Bonjour, he thinks you could get it from a kitchen place like Bed, Bath and Beyond.

    Happy New Year Kathy!

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