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The Day I Did Not Murder my Dog

January 2, 2010

Oh. Hiya. Yesterday I thought about shutting this place down. Like I’m all Nance. Posting. Not posting. Facebooking. Not Facebooking. Wanting comments. Not wanting comments. No. That’s wrong. I always want comments, no matter how much they sometimes drive me crazy. I’m 98% Nance. Nah. Probably only 75% Nance. I don’t sew my own purses and ipod bags. Nor will I smash fiestaware to make a tabletop from it. And I don’t smoke. Or wear skirts. And I’m short. Maybe I’m 50% Nance.

Hiya Nance. Don’t you love it how some blogger’s entry turns out to be about you?

Makes you want to shut down reading my blog, doesn’t it?

Go ahead. Shut down the reading of me. I’ll wait. You’ll come back. You always come back.

So. Yesterday. I’d had a very bad day. Not a good way to start a new year but hey, I’m living in a house of addiction and when somebody lives in a house of addiction, life is a crapshoot and a whole lot of crap. It’s just weird how little drama there is in this house of addiction. We are a very quiet house of crazy.

I didn’t make the day any better by telling The Big Nugget to give Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, a ham bone to chomp on. “And send her outside so she doesn’t get grease all over the rug!” I said.

And then, about half an hour later, I looked out the window (I wasn’t going to go outside because it’s frickin’ -15 fahrenheit right now and that’s insane) and saw that Stella had not only nibbled around the ham bone but that the entire ham bone had become one with Stella. That damn dog ate the entire bone from an eight pound ham. A ham bone about the size of a softball. With a tail.

So I googled “dog ate ham bone” and then spent the rest of the night saying goodbye to my dog. Apparently it’s not good news when a dog eats a bone. It turns into intestinal-perforating torture device and death is preceeded by lots of diarrhea.

“You were a good dog,” I said to Stella. “Dumbest dog on the planet but a very good dog and I’ll never get another dog because I murdered you so should never be allowed to have another dog”.

And then I put her in her room and went to bed.

I slept pretty good too. Would have been the perfect night’s sleep if I could get The Big Nugget to stop waking me up when I stop breathing. Damn, dude. I’ll start breathing again eventually. I might take a minute, or two. Or 2 minutes and 37 seconds but eventually I’ll start choking, then coughing, and the breathing will begin.

I was awoken awakened waked up at 8:30 this morning by a bark from Stella. Stella does not bark to let us know that she needs to go outside. She was alive! She made it through the night! Now a visit to the vet’s office wouldn’t have an emergency charge attached to it! I scrambled out of bed and let her out the back door. She ran to the back of the yard, pooped and then tried to poop some more. But the evil ham bone was totally blocking her intestines. I just knew it. I was sure of it. Death was just around the corner.

I called the vet so they could tell me that it was okay and just to watch for blood and explosive dog. But no, they wanted me to come in immediately so she could be x-rayed, as a dog who has slivers of bones running through her gastrointestinal tract is not a good thing.

“Well,” I replied, “I have to get ready first so give me an hour and I’ll be in.”

“Sooner would be better than later,” the vet tech replied.

And I knew that she meant I could take as long as I wanted to get ready because it was going to just be sad news anyway, so I might as well look good.

I made it in, being dragged through the frigid cold and the ice-rink of a parking lot by a very happy, waggy dog on the brink of death. She was examined and x-rayed and yes, there is a little piece of bone in her intestines but it looks as though her strong digestive juices have pretty  much disintegrated the rest of the bone. There also look to be a whole lot of doggy diarrhea on the horizon so they gave me some anti-rrhea pills, told me to watch for bloat, bloody stool, or death – billed me $162 and sent us on our way.

Damn dog seems fine so far. Even spent half an hour in the freezing tundra, trying to catch the one squirrel who is dumb enough to be taunting a crazy dog on a frigid day.

Today I think I’m going to step toward my 2010 goal of making creme brulee. People. I already have all the creme brulee parts. The ingredients. The little dishes. The torch. All I’m missing is the lighter fluid for the torch. I  have to run out today to bring my bills to the post office so I think I’ll stop at a hardware store to get the fluid and then maybe tonight I will have reached my goal for the year and then I can relax.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. poolagirl permalink
    January 2, 2010 2:25 pm

    Gosh! Who is Nance? I feel like there is a bigger story at play here. It’s probably none of my business, but my curiosity is piqued. Good luck on the creme brulee thing. When you get it figured out, send me some. I’ll pay for shipping!

  2. Paula permalink
    January 2, 2010 6:52 pm

    I ALWAYS read but I rarely comment. I’m sorry about that.

  3. January 2, 2010 7:42 pm

    OMG, You need to stop before I get a reputation as someone who changes my mind a LOT. Ha!

  4. January 2, 2010 8:43 pm

    my dog- jack russell- was a score off freecycle. i called about him before they yanked the ad. he came with a bunch of toys and crap. in particular, there was a bag of organic doggie chews. when i went to buy more, turns out they are $32 for 12 oz.

    sorry, i love my bugger bear and all, but he drinks water from the toilet and eats chicken bones out of the gutter whenever possible. i don’t think i’ll be paying $32 for organic snacks for the dog. heck, i have a hard enough time paying that for snacks for ME!

    he also loves spaghetti and when i make it, he stands and barks at the stove until he gets his own plate.

    the things that dog has trained me to do!

    hope the poop pills work for stella!

    • January 2, 2010 8:57 pm

      I pay $24 for a month’s supply of Stella Mirra’s dental treat. She gets it every night at 10:07 p.m. If she does not get it by 10:07 p.m., she is very upset. And I can tell how upset she is because she gives a very big sigh.

      We don’t give her hardly any people food. Ever since I accidentally caused her to gain 10 lbs. in a one month period (as witnessed by the vet) I’m wondering if the diarrhea she had just one time this morning has something to do with the greasy ham bone she turned into arsenal.

      I cannot believe your little dog ate chicken bones and did not perforate himself! Why did I take Stella to the vet? Oh yeah, because the vet tech said I should bring her in. Makes me wonder, do vet techs get commission?

  5. January 2, 2010 9:03 pm

    See, this is the bad thing about pets. We finish raising our kids and then we get pets and then we worry about them. Our kitten didn’t eat her favorite snacks for two days and that’s all my husband and I talked about.
    Hope the diarrhea isn’t TOO bad!!

    • January 2, 2010 11:03 pm

      I’m not even sure the dang dog had diarrhea. I mean, I thought I saw her having diarrhea way in the back of our yard. But I can’t see that far, really. Mostly I saw her hunching alot and then I assumed it was because she was rrhea’ing all over the place. Mostly she just had a very fun adventure…she loves going to the vet’s office – so many smells in one little place!

  6. January 3, 2010 10:26 am

    We used to have our dog on a raw food diet, which consisted of giving him chicken wings and some vegetable glop that I’d made up. See, you can give a dog raw bones because they have enough… whatever, the thing that makes them all bendy, to prevent them from shattering into teeny, diarrhea-inducing pieces as the dog chews. Once the bones are cooked, they lose that bendy ingredient and become dangerous. So there are my two cents.

    I’m awfully glad that you did not kill Stella, as the stories about her are too amusing not to have every day. Besides, I sort of live vicariously through your experiences with her, as my dog has gone on to the Big Puppy Park in the Sky.

  7. Leslie permalink
    January 3, 2010 11:32 am

    Please don’t shut your blog down …

  8. January 4, 2010 1:15 am

    Truthfully, cooked ham bones can kill dogs….and if she eats a penny, get the hydrogen peroxide out. The metals in pennies can be lethal. Pour a goodly amount down her until she vomits. And then you have to examine the puke to make sure you get the penny out. Do NOT use hair dye type of peroxide as you probably would kill her then. Now you do not have to close this down, as you are getting cool comments like mine.

  9. Anonymous permalink
    December 28, 2016 9:04 am

    I’m glad i came across this blog or whatever you call it. Anyway i have ham bone that weighs about 8 lbs. I think it was more bone than ham and i thought wow the dog is gonna love this. It’s going in the garbage. Thank you.

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