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From the Desk of the Lump

January 24, 2010

Dear Friends of Kitschin Logic:

It is me, The Lump. I thought I’d take the time to address you, the readers of my hostess.

I don’t like you people.

I don’t like that Kitschin Logic found me so easily. I had hoped to hide for months, until I grew bigger than her head. But that bitch found me. I blame it on the nerve. I was tired, it’s hard work to attempt to take over a body, and leaned against the nerve. I just wanted to puff on something carcinogenic for awhile. The nerve threatened to make a fuss. I said, “Shut up nerve, or I will grow around you and squeeze your mouth shut!” But that damn nerve is braver than I thought and damned if it didn’t shout out “I hurt!”, allowing Kitschin Logic to find me so easily. Too easily.

I have to admit, it was hysterical to watch K-Lo get all worried and pissed and become a nuisance to the medical community. Man, did those fools scramble for her, getting her in right away; finding me and taking photographic evidence of my location. What really gets my lump panties in a bunch is how you readers have calmed her down. Damn! What fun is it being a lump if you can’t scare the shit out of a person?

Also? I fucking hate lemon meringue pie!

You’ve all had weak lumps so now, K-Lo has decided that I am a weak lump, too. Do you know what happens when a person has positive thoughts? Their body fights lumps. This is not fun for me, the lump.

I haven’t decided whether to stay and fight or to quit.

You are a bunch of supportive fuckers and I hate you.


The Lump

24 Comments leave one →
  1. Paula permalink
    January 24, 2010 12:27 pm

    To: Lump

    (Notice I did not say “Dear”.)

    Go shit in your hat.

  2. Katherine permalink
    January 24, 2010 1:58 pm

    Thanks for noticing us, Lump. We hate you too. You might as well grab your hat and vamoose, there’s nothing but more support and positive thinking here. Oh, and pie.

  3. January 24, 2010 5:08 pm

    Yo Lump!
    Philly checking in here. We’ll be glad to see you go and we WILL let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

  4. poolagirl permalink
    January 24, 2010 6:11 pm

    I flick boogers at you, Lump! (Did I just say that? Holy criminey!)

  5. justwriteit permalink
    January 24, 2010 7:48 pm

    Hey, Lump– Take your lumpy ass and hit the highway. Really. Beat it. We mean it.

  6. January 24, 2010 9:07 pm

    Baloney is getting tired of your lump….and she will make it go away..because she has bitch powers. I, on the other hand am a wuss and could not help you at all.

    Knowing you don’t believe in prayer…I have been crossing all my toes for you. And I must say the cramps in my feet have been somewhat a problem today, it made cleaning and cooking impossible… I thank you Logic woman.

  7. January 24, 2010 9:41 pm

    I gave your lump shit on my site.

    • January 24, 2010 10:25 pm

      I worry that you might trip, what with all that toe-crossing. But, thank you Joanie Baloney!

  8. January 24, 2010 9:42 pm

    Ah eff you lump, go plant yourself on someone we don’t like. Leave the good ones alone.

  9. January 24, 2010 10:24 pm

    You guys are hysterical! I’m kind of feeling sorry for the lump. Not one friend.

  10. January 25, 2010 3:29 am

    Hey Lump! Your MAMMA! (greatest insult I could think of)

  11. January 25, 2010 8:23 am

    You might as well hit the road. You had no idea who you were messing with when you hitched a ride on the Kitch! She’ll kick your ass from here to eternity. Then…she’ll cover you in lemon meringue pie!

  12. Gretchen permalink
    January 25, 2010 10:00 am

    Today the lump will be exposed for what it really is – a big faker, like in the Wizard of Oz. Pay no attention to the zit hiding under the hat. And seriously, I’m getting a mammogram at 1:00 today and I’ll be thinking of you. Altho that sounds kind of creepy.

  13. January 25, 2010 12:19 pm

    Lumps suck ass.

  14. January 25, 2010 1:17 pm

    Y’know, lump, part of my mission is to keep you and your pals from bothering my friends — and all other women as well. Just keep yelling, so they’ll know where to find you.

  15. capitolady permalink
    January 25, 2010 2:05 pm

    Dear Lump,

    You’re an Asshat!

  16. yaketyyak permalink
    January 25, 2010 5:05 pm

    Nyah, nyah, lump. Take that!

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