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The Nervous Wreck of the Kitschin Logic

January 25, 2010

I started to hyperventilate as I was getting ready to drive to school for my anatomy test this morning. We had a snow storm, the streets were slick, and I have a 1/2 hour drive on a good day. It took me an hour.

But here’s the thing, I didn’t really care about the snow. I didn’t care about arriving in class late (although, some poor gal showed up 12 minutes after the test began and the instructor told her she was too late).

I plugged in my ipod for the drive, hoping to stop the panic with some fun music. It just didn’t help. I could feel my pulse in my neck and I could feel how shallow my breath was.

I got to school and got into class, then I started crying. Thankfully, not a blubbery crying. More of a sniffing and tear-dropping cry. It got harder to contain once my friends in class saw that I was falling apart. Bless them for wanting to help and bless them even more for giving me the space I needed. It took me awhile to compose myself enough to ask my friend, Karna, for some kleenex. And I knew it would be easier if I didn’t make eye contact with the teacher. She’s so danged compassionate that she would have just set me off more with her concern.

People. It’s not the lump. And it is the lump. And it’s my son. And not my son. And it’s my poor husband having to deal with all of this shit. So much, that I told him I didn’t need him to take me to my appointment at the breast clinic today. I do need him. But I don’t need him. Do you know what I mean? And he knows to wait until I ask for his help. I think the point is more that I don’t want to ask for his help. Because I don’t want to go to the breast clinic. And I don’t want to have another conversation with the intake person at my son’s treatment facility (fingers crossed for next week, okay?) She was a total stress-inducer. When I call back this week, I’m going to request someone else, if she gives me more stress.

But hey, I think I did great on the anatomy test.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. January 25, 2010 1:54 pm

    I’d worry if you didn’t open the pressure release valve and let all this stress out. Good that it happened before your clinic visit so that you are less clenched for that.

    Once my car caught on fire while I was driving it and I didn’t react to that until 3 days later. While I was doing a catheter insertion. In front of the physician. Complete melt-down. Taught me that there’s a limit to how much you can hold in.

    Blubber away, Kitschie. Now is the time. Then put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

  2. January 25, 2010 2:05 pm

    Remember, I do know what it’s like. I even went to my initial diagnostic appointments by myself. (‘Cause it wasn’t real, y’know, it was all going to be a big mistake, right?) Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

    As a matter of fact, your son is supposed to be an adult. He should be helping you, instead of fixating on his own problems. No one would blame you if you told him you have your own problems and his will have to wait.

  3. capitolady permalink
    January 25, 2010 2:10 pm

    Oh girl I cried in anatomy class when I didn’t even have half the stressors you face daily. I think you are a strong person to deal with all the bs, there are many many times I have cried on the freaking icy freaking roads, … I hate winter. I am sending you warm wishes and a dream of the freaking summer when we will be melting in 100 degrees. 🙂

  4. January 25, 2010 5:07 pm

    Lady, how are you not a puddle of goo curled up in the fetal position at any given moment?? With all the stress you have, it’s no wonder it comes out as tears — and you must have felt safe enough in class to do that. Thank goodness you have compassionate classmates. Sending you many, many useless internet hugs — and a relief from the stress, if only for a few moments.

  5. yaketyyak permalink
    January 25, 2010 5:13 pm

    It’s okay to cry. Contrary to popular belief, we ARE only human.

  6. Gretchen permalink
    January 25, 2010 5:41 pm

    Did I tell you I cried after arguing with a grocery clerk a couple weeks ago? Stuff just needs to come out.

  7. Leslie permalink
    January 25, 2010 6:02 pm

    Two years ago while I was going through a month and a half ordeal with breast issues — I actually felt suicidal after I got a minor traffic ticket. This is the first time I have admitted that. Stress is a powerful and insidious fucker.

  8. January 25, 2010 7:24 pm

    That which does not kill us makes us blubbery at inoportune moments.
    Hugs sweetie!

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