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The Diagnosis

January 26, 2010

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you people that your positive thoughts didn’t work. You should have shaved your heads right away.

I’ve got breast cancer.

Infiltrating (or is it invasive?) ductal carcinoma. And some in a lymph node.

I will have you know that I had already decided I’m going to die.

I got over that and had some pizza.

And then I talked on the phone and got my appointments lined up for an MRI and a consult with a surgeon. So apparently I’m not ready to die just yet.

You tell me you wouldn’t hop to a death sentence if you heard that you had breast cancer and I’d have to call you either a big fat liar or very blonde.

I won’t know more until I meet with the surgeon. I don’t know what stage I have but I do know that tumors are Grade 3, which means they are agressive, fast-growing mother fuckers.

I don’t know what the hormone receptor is, I don’t even know what that means except that Sting and Buzz do but I refuse to listen as I am overwhelmed, and am new to the breast cancer lingo.

I can tell you that I plan to have both breasts removed and at this  moment, have no wish to have new ones put it. That could all change but for right now I’m kind of excited to be rid of these damn things. I never wanted them in the first damn place. I’m no Chas/tity Bono, never wished I was a man, but boy  howdy, when I first got breasts, I was not a happy girl. I guess it was my clairvoyance letting me know that they were really going to cause me trouble.

Thank you for all of your support. You can’t even begin to know what each and every one of your comments and e-mails has meant to me. The only way I can truly show you how much they mean to me is to continue to share this journey with  you.

By the way, my brother and my sister both told me that I had to be strong. To which I replied, No I don’t. I figure that I’m going to be sick and in alot of pain and by god, I am going to be the Norma Desmond of breast cancer. All drama, all the time.  They also told me that I had to think positively to which I replied, No I don’t. I’m going to be one cyncial of a mother fucking breast cancer victim (I’m in victim mode right now) and I expect every one around me to do my positive thinking for me. It’ll be an experiment in the Power of Cynical Thinking and How It Can Cure Breast Cancer.

Note to Dan – I told you and Allison that I’d be a wimp if I ever had to go through what Allison went through. And dammit, Dan, do you remember what you said? “I know you would.” Ain’t this going to be a grand time?

Note to Cindy – You already know what you’re in for and you haven’t changed your phone number. You rock!

Note to Buzz & Sting – What the hell? Right? Now you know why you both  had to get breast cancer. It’s so you could be my Kung Fu masters. To me this is proof that I AM the center of the universe. Thanks for being there and for keeping me calm.

My poor husband. He is in for a very rough ride. I will have you know, however, that when I had decided I was going to die from this, he informed me that it wasn’t cancer that was going to kill me. Dude threatened to kill me on the day I found out I had breast cancer.

That cracks me the hell up.

Also? He has decided that he will shave his head and donate his hair to a wig-making company.

And if you know the state of The Big Nugget’s hair, you will laugh your ass off.

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57 Comments leave one →
  1. January 26, 2010 8:35 pm

    *hugs* Good luck with everything. My mom had breast cancer 15 years ago and died, but medicine has come along way in that time. I’m pullin’ for ya!

  2. justwriteit permalink
    January 26, 2010 8:42 pm

    Sending strong, strong healing vibes to you from upstate NY. We grow them POWERFUL here! Expect miracles.

  3. January 26, 2010 9:02 pm

    My sister was diagnosed 5 years ago and she did the radiation and is fine now. She kept a calendar with her at all times – she said that made her feel “in control” at all times.

    She just signed up to do dragon boat races on the Schuykill river in Philly. Her boat is “manned” by women who have had breast cancer and are still kickin ass all over Philly. I am very afraid of her because her muscles are going to be huge!

    Also, I TOTALLY understand and support you wanting the total mastectomy.

    I’m here for the ride with you, K Lo!

  4. January 26, 2010 9:03 pm

    Awww damn!!! Can I book my head shaving/punk hair cut for after my job interview tomorrow? You are going to snark and cynic that damn cancer right out of your body, while whining up a storm! You go girl! Bels

  5. Michelle Fay permalink
    January 26, 2010 9:06 pm

    I love you sooo much girl.

  6. Debby permalink
    January 26, 2010 9:09 pm

    Every positive and healing vibe I’ve got is headed your way, Kathy. You are not alone through any of this. Not at all.

  7. Jamie permalink
    January 26, 2010 9:23 pm

    Well FUCK! I’m sorry, and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers (totally warranted the F word, Jesus understands I am sure). You’ll be the best cynical bitch with breast cancer that has the best support system ever. Please lean on us, and allow us to help you however we can from afar. Know that we will never give up on you, nor allow you to give up on yourself. We will hold you up when you can’t hold yourself up on your own. I hope you will continue to allow us to be a part of this difficult, and stress filled journey. I send much love to you K-Lo!

  8. January 26, 2010 9:28 pm

    I’ve been growing out my hair but I’ll totally shave it to support you. Also, why do people tell you what you have to be and do? You do what you want and we’ll be here supporting you.

  9. Kim permalink
    January 26, 2010 9:28 pm

    Damn it. I am so sorry to read your news. I am glad you have a great support system. I will keep you in my prayers. I wish I could say more that could make everything better.

  10. Paula permalink
    January 26, 2010 9:35 pm

    Goddamn stupid hat-wearing lump. HATE. Sending positive thoughts, hugs and prayers. Whether you want them or not. You are not alone.

  11. January 26, 2010 9:39 pm

    Oh God, Kathy. that just sucks. Nothing else to say. I’m sending you tons of positive vibes.

  12. January 26, 2010 9:49 pm

    Kathy, you have the very same thing my friend had this past September (grade 3 and everything!). She’s running around nowhere near death and has a very good blog regarding her whole ordeal. She’s at idc101.blogspot.com

    Get a really talented surgeon, a capable oncologist and a community where you feel at home. And be really, really good to yourself right now. You are going to be doing a lot of healing very soon.

    Thoughts and prayers, yadda yadda…

    Lisa

  13. January 26, 2010 10:20 pm

    I’m sorry about your diagnosis, but cancer has no chance against you. Heh. Having bilateral mastectomies ensures that it won’t come back. It’s not an easy choice, but in my opinion, a smart one. If there’s anything I can do, just let me know. Need any bakery???

  14. yaketyyak permalink
    January 27, 2010 5:42 am

    I don’t know what to say except I’m so sorry. I do believe that you will beat this. I’m going to have my friend send distance Reiki. Hugs.

  15. January 27, 2010 6:36 am

    Well, that certainly sucks. And you know we are here with you every single step of the way. (Except possibly the head shaving. I cannot rock that look, especially not at my daughter’s wedding. I have a pin-head, sort of.) But you just write and we’ll just read and write back and we’re all with you.

  16. January 27, 2010 6:37 am

    Crap. This reeks. Here for ya, kid.

  17. Dana in NC permalink
    January 27, 2010 7:28 am

    I’m sorry.

  18. lap permalink
    January 27, 2010 7:46 am

    You be the Norma Desmond of breast cancer Kath, and you know that I will make you a turban in every single color/pattern you could ever want. Turbans will be the new purses.

  19. January 27, 2010 8:04 am

    I’m so sorry. I’m here for you, with a cyber hug ready and waiting. {{HUG}}

  20. Sue permalink
    January 27, 2010 8:06 am

    This sucks! Sending positive thoughts to you from PA. My mother-in-law, who is the queen of negativity, just went through 3 months of chemo for lymphoma. She told everyone she was dying, had nothing to live for, woe is me, etc., etc. Guess what? She was told last week that her lymphoma is gone!! We’re still waiting for her to see the sunny side of her whole experience and it hasn’t happened yet! You can beat this. You are strong, smart and have a great sense of humor. Hang tough!

  21. goatbarnwitch permalink
    January 27, 2010 8:21 am

    !#%$@&%#!…… That totally sucks. Get those appointments lined up and make sure you have the best docs you can find and get that nasty alien invader out of your body asap. Like everyone says, be kind to yourself as you take this journey and always remember that there are folks holding you in their hearts.

  22. Ruth from SC permalink
    January 27, 2010 8:37 am

    Major suckage……this will be just a blip on your lifescreen. You have a great support team – we’re all here for you and will do anything that we can to help.Gear up for a battle…many delicious cakes are going to be eaten by you and for you!! (Don’t you know that really good cakes trumps lumps with little hats any day?!?) That and prayers………..you gott’em girl………

  23. January 27, 2010 8:43 am

    Well, goddamn.

    I say go for the drama, don’t be strong or brave at all. Strength and bravery are way overrated. Also, practice the line “Could you do (blank) for me? I’d do it myself, but well, you know, the (whisper) breast cancer and all.” It’ll come in handy!

  24. January 27, 2010 8:44 am

    That news brought a tear to my eye:( Just remember to lock up any of the good drugs!

  25. Jean permalink
    January 27, 2010 9:16 am

    Cut those frigging things off and have them rebuilt with new models! I have a friend who’s sister had both breasts removed and after a couple of years, had them reconstructed. I found her a great t-shirt that said “Of course they’re fake. The real ones tried to kill me!”

    Dammit!!! Dammit!!! Dammit!!!

    Dammit.

  26. katie permalink
    January 27, 2010 9:30 am

    DAMN!!

    I hope you will continue to allow us to go thru this journey with you – we could all learn something along the way. (The Big C doesn’t stand a chance with you!!!)

  27. January 27, 2010 9:33 am

    Aw, Fuck.

    Let’s go have lunch and see if we can use your Norma Desmond to get free pie.

    (ANYTHING you need…)

  28. Gretchen permalink
    January 27, 2010 9:42 am

    Damn. Really sorry to hear that. I say go for the drama, too. And absolutely practice what Miz Robyn said. Damn.

  29. Barb permalink
    January 27, 2010 9:53 am

    I had this huge comment prepared, but just SHIT, dammit, and all those good words that mean you’re so frustrated! We’ll be following and hopefully our words will lift you up when you need it.

  30. poolagirl permalink
    January 27, 2010 10:13 am

    Most everything has been said, but I want you to know I am holding the highest good thoughts and positive recovery for you, my dear. I will burn a candle every night while you go through this. Blessings.

  31. dakotagirl permalink
    January 27, 2010 10:22 am

    I rushed to this site today, hoping for great news. Not good news, but I’m sending good thoughts your way!!!

  32. January 27, 2010 10:29 am

    I am totally shaving my head for you. Have you seen how cute I look with short hair?? And I have always wanted that just-a-wee-bit-of-hair look, but my hairdresser won’t let me do it. Bwahahaha now I have an excuse!!!

    But on a more serious note, bahhh this sucks. I hope you kick the breast cancer’s ass so hard it doesn’t know what hit it. Go ahead with the drama — you’re allowed. We’ll all think positive thoughts and surround you with massive positive vibes. Ready, folks?! GO!!!

  33. January 27, 2010 10:52 am

    I think I love Miz Robyn even more than I already did. Do it! And I’m so, so sorry. Really, there are no words, Kathy. Know that we’re all with you as you fight this.

  34. January 27, 2010 11:19 am

    Oh Kathy, I’m so sorry.

  35. January 27, 2010 11:21 am

    Lean on your family, lean on your friends and know that treatment has come a long, long way. You have many people who want to help carry you through this, including me.

  36. Maureen permalink
    January 27, 2010 11:28 am

    Holy shit, this sucks. I am so sorry Kathy-I know I will be one of many sending healing thoughts your way.

  37. Suzi permalink
    January 27, 2010 11:57 am

    Fuckin’ cancer!!! Two pluses….#1 New boobs for your Playboy spread #2 medical marijuana!
    Lean on your friends…that’s what they’re there for! Suzi

  38. January 27, 2010 12:22 pm

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this now. Shit. I think if the cancer gets a whiff of the hatred we all have for it, we can shrink it away! (Oops, originally I typed “drink it away.” That works too!)

  39. January 27, 2010 12:27 pm

    I think you just made that up so you don’t have to go bowling with me.

    Seriously kiddo, all of us have got your back including the universe.

    Take care.

  40. Lynn Gronlund permalink
    January 27, 2010 12:50 pm

    So that’s why you had to miss your hair appointment. I’m so sorry about the fucking
    cancer!!!!!!! Hey… can shave your head? I am thinking about you.

  41. lee permalink
    January 27, 2010 1:28 pm

    i am so sad and sorry for you that words can’t express it. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    as for donating to locks of love, i talked a biker co-worker into doing it, back when i worked. he also shaved his zz-top-ish beard. we joked about him sending in the beard hair too and some little kid getting a wig with frizzy don king fright hair in the front! if you haven’t laughed yet, think of the visual.

    he cut off 18 inches. he even wore a scrunchie once in a while.

    his mother stalked me down to thank me for getting him to cut his mop.

  42. Cathy permalink
    January 27, 2010 1:40 pm

    SHITTTT…Throw me some of your load…anytime…I’m good with Nora Desmond requests

  43. Niki permalink
    January 27, 2010 1:58 pm

    Oh crap. Yes, get both breasts off ASAP and staple a martini glass to your wrist so it can be full at all times. If you’re going to get a wig make sure you don’t order it out of the TV Guide. My aunt did that and it was truly horrible. Please emote. I am ready to go along with you. You have been entertaining me for years so it’s the least I can do for you.

  44. January 27, 2010 2:11 pm

    crap I’m so sorry to hear this….and all I have to say is that my Scottish grandmother, who repressed every emotion she ever had because it wasn’t polite otherwise got breast cancer in the mid-1950s when she was in her mid-’40s. She had a radical mastectomy.

    Ready for the kicker?

    She passed away in 2004, at the age of 99. No recurrence, no positive thoughts, just got on with her life. Drove until age 95 (which came close to killing members of her family who knew she was doing this…).

    But kaththty, i’m so sorry, what a SUCK piece of news. We are thinking positive thoughts for you……..

  45. January 27, 2010 3:49 pm

    sorry to hear that Kath. Keep us informed. Anything at all I can do to help, you just yell my way.

  46. Rosie permalink
    January 27, 2010 4:11 pm

    First, Hugs. Second, I love you. Next…
    OK, I’m callin’ in Guido. Them lumps have got to go!

    Oh the shaved head/hair front, I’ve got about 5 wigs right now, so we can have short black hair, long black hair, long blonde hair, or long platinum blonde hair (kinda like Dolly Parton, or we could rock the red hair. Whatever, I’m ready for it, just tell me the look of the day!

    Oh, and whoever is making turbans, I’ve got lots and lots of material. I’d do it myself, but Kathy’s hair would be grown back out by the time I got around to doing it. I’d send it to her, and she’d be like, “A turban? WTF do I need a turban for? Cancer? Shaved heads? That is so 2 years ago! What is Rosie’s problem?…Oh, that’s right, it’s Rosie, the person who still hasn’t mailed Hissie’s margarita set from 3 years ago. Got it.”

  47. January 27, 2010 5:01 pm

    Well, tootsie, I am not going to shave my head because I already lost my hair once. Incidentally, my tumor was stage 2, hormone receptive, which the radiologist told me meant “happy cells,” not angry ones.

    I was sixty-three when I got the diagnosis, which was six years ago. I am fine. I always knew I would get better, but my motto was “all prayers and good wishes gratefully accepted.” It doesn’t matter what religion or non-religion it came from.

    You will die, because we all will, but not from this!

  48. Steven James Beto permalink
    January 27, 2010 5:17 pm

    Kathy:

    Michelle Fay told me about your condition and that you have dropped out of school. She also gave me your blog address; I hope you don’t mind. I’d like to continue reading your blog with your permission, so don’t make a stalker out of me!

    I cannot imagine that the woman who brought joy to the lives of so many at school would, for too long a time, succumb to the miseries of defeatism. Do what you must for now, but know that I believe in you, Kathy. My prayers are with you and your family and friends. I hope that you will one day return to a learning environment, and be for many decades to come, the kind of inspiration you have been at DCTC. You have a gift. You are needed.

    sjb

  49. Buzz permalink
    January 27, 2010 6:24 pm

    The whole crew here will help you and your family get through this, just as you were there for us. I am not sure I am a master at b.c., but definitely ‘been there, done that’ so I am glad I can be your “sherpa” in whatever way you need, as this will be a journey like no other.We love you, dear friend!

  50. January 27, 2010 6:44 pm

    Kathy – We are here for you regardless of what you need. Dirty inappropriate greetings cards and all. We love you so much you have touched all of our lives in so many ways.

    Fuck this is NOT fair.

    And I am SO mad.

  51. Dawn permalink
    January 27, 2010 6:55 pm

    Damn. This is not how it was supposed to turn out. Sometimes you want to just look up at the sky and scream out at the universe, what the F. Funny lady, I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t help in the big scheme of things, but I do care and I wish I knew what to say and what to do help.

    You are loved, you are cared for, you are funny. Lumps, boobs, and cancer are about to get their ass kicked by what they have no idea of.

  52. dan permalink
    January 27, 2010 7:07 pm

    Allison sent me a message last nite that she DOES NOT want to see you for along time so lets get busy and do this thing her montra was 2tuf2dy yours must be 2sa2dy (sa=smartass)love ya dan

  53. Janice permalink
    January 27, 2010 9:02 pm

    Love you, Kathy.

  54. January 27, 2010 9:15 pm

    K-lo you’re too f’n ornery to die. Therefore make with the cynical and we will make with the positivity. Just believe in the power of the yes.

  55. capitolady permalink
    January 27, 2010 9:22 pm

    so sorry, Klo. Wish it was different … My sister has been in stage 4 (end stage) for 5 years, she is doing ok. You be the center of the universe. We all are here in your orbit to help you out, even if it is just by reading.

    Praying for you.

  56. February 3, 2010 1:35 am

    I am a kidney cancer survivor and I did not go into this fight all positive and woo. I was, no am, still angry that I had cancer. I am still angry that I have only 1 kidney now and that I had to go through all of this.

    But, the anger is what has carried me through. Use whatever YOU need to get through each day. Screw what anyone else says. You are in my thoughts, chick, good luck at kicking cancer’s ass.

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