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Fast Forward to the Part Where I’m Drunk

February 9, 2010

During a breakdown in front of my incredibly fantastic nurse of a husband, I said, “I just want to fast forward to the part where I’m bald and throwing up!”

Because these damned Jackson-Pratt drains are going to make me go belltower.

And I get that they’re doing their job very well, and that if I didn’t have them, I’d be swollen to 18 times my size (it’s a fact!) but they are hideous and gross and disgusting and I hate them more than I hate the cancer. right now.

I am a big baby. Poor Nurse Nugget. Every time he strips and drains them, I lay there, with my arm over my head, in the most dramatic of fashions. Oh horror! Catastrophe appalling! (I was in Pirates of Penzance in the 8th grade, where my best friend, Kathy #1, was Mabel – and I’ll never forget her dramatic performance of that very line.)

Oh, and my arm is not over my head because I can’t put my arm over my head. For some reason, I pinch the bridge of my nose and that makes me not throw up.

Speaking of not throwing up, yesterday afternoon, after spending a very quiet day horizontally, I decided to take a peek at some on-line cancer stuff that pertained to me.

I was rocking in my chair, as though autistic, in a matter of just a few minutes. I don’t think I’m ready for more information than the doctors are giving me.

The rocking stopped me from feeling naseous. I’m weird like that.

I finally made one phone call to a friend last night. She thought it was funny that I’d wanted to fast forward to the bald, throwing up part. But she didn’t say anything to me about not wishing too hard for what you want, she waited for me to say it…

“I know that when I get to the bald throwing up part I’m going to be wishing for a fast forward to cancer-free and drunk.”

But for right now, I just want these drains to go away. The left one might be removed by the end of this week, but I don’t think the one under my right arm is going anywhere, anytime soon.

Baby steps, Bob. Baby step.

23 Comments leave one →
  1. akkelly permalink
    February 9, 2010 10:29 am

    The best part about being a female is the ability to change our minds at any whim. That ability is magnified a thousand-fold when you are able to play the cancer card. Whine, worry, dramatize and call friends to vent.

    It will be a memory for your scrapbook before you know it.

    (But squeeze in a laugh every now and again, just to piss those last few evil cells off. It’s the least you can do.)


  2. Leslie permalink
    February 9, 2010 10:40 am

    Thinking of you – it sounds as if recovery is tres sucky. I hope it gets easier very quickly.

    WWND? (What would Norma Do?)

  3. Lori in Houston permalink
    February 9, 2010 10:48 am

    As to the bald and throwing up part, while chemotherapy was, bald was NOT a good look for me. What I’m saying is, welcome to the world of cancer; there’s no all goods and there’s no all bads – you are going to truly learn all the shades of gray. I’m sending good thoughts your way.

  4. February 9, 2010 10:56 am

    My friend had a double mastectomy a couple of years ago, and at the time she told me that those damn drains were the worst part of it. I hope for you that they can come out soon, and maybe this will be the worst part for you too. Hang in there, I’m glad the Nugget is a good nurse. Some men don’t want anything to do with that stuff.

  5. February 9, 2010 12:10 pm

    So glad you did not stay away all week!
    I knew you couldn’t.

  6. February 9, 2010 12:14 pm

    Hang in there! Sometimes not knowing things is the best. Just relax and concentrate on healing… you will be drunk soon enough! In the meantime, I’ll have a few tequilas for you. Heh.

  7. Niki permalink
    February 9, 2010 12:21 pm

    You will be so happy when you get the drains out. I remember my friend going through this. Bald can be very fetching if you have small ear lobes. Nugget is the bomb.

  8. February 9, 2010 1:12 pm

    My spam to you!

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice, you too can find inner peace.
    Dr. Oz proclaimed, ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.’ So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of white Zinfandel, a bottle of tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
    Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

  9. February 9, 2010 2:06 pm

    I had almost completely wiped out memories of those drains. I know how much of a pain they are. I am hoping they will be on their way – soon (and it can never be too soon)!

    Sending you all my good thoughts!

  10. February 9, 2010 2:09 pm

    I never threw up. Not from chemo, anyhow. Each IV session began with an infusion containing benadryl or some similar medication. They’d wait 20 minutes or so for it to take effect, and then start the hard stuff.

    Whenever the infusion bothered me — like reddening and itching around the needle — they slowed it down or even paused it. While I firmly believe the best medical care is in this part of the country, you can’t tell me they don’t know this stuff in Minnesota.

    On the other hand, I have to admit I was probably the ugliest bald woman you will ever see.

  11. robynanderson68 permalink
    February 9, 2010 3:48 pm

    I feel your pain, those goddamn drains are the WORST. It’s not that they hurt or anything, it’s just their mere existence is emotionally painful.

    (If it helps any, having them taken out doesn’t hurt, even though it seems that it should!)

  12. poolagirl permalink
    February 9, 2010 4:11 pm

    Hope those drains come out soon and you can move on to the next phase. And then, you will healed and all will be well. Keep up the sarcasm and you’ll get there in no time. Sarcasm cures everything! Trust me! I know these things.

  13. February 9, 2010 5:23 pm

    Eeewww! Drains, I thought the itty bitty one I had was gross, those are beyond gross! I’m so glad they’re in your armpits not mine! And I hope that they are outta your way super soon! Bels

  14. sting permalink
    February 9, 2010 5:29 pm

    It’s true that you develop a new and more profound appreciation of your nurse/spouse!
    The drains are a pain. You rant and rave all you want. Sending you peaceful wishes.

  15. February 9, 2010 5:52 pm

    Being wrapped up in my own life’s rollercoaster over the last few weeks, I’ve barely had a toe in the web pool. I had no idea you were going through all this, Kathy. Damn! I’ve got to get with it. My blackberry is an asshole for not alerting me to keep up with you. Sending you unlimited good juju and healthy nodes wishes. If I could knit you a cute cap I would, but I’m still on the scarf I started 4 years ago. Keep fighting like a girl and kick this ass!

  16. goatbarnwitch permalink
    February 9, 2010 6:17 pm

    Drains suck (ha ha ha) but they are doing a job that is very very good… doesn’t make them better to have…
    You are one lucky woman to have such a wonderful “nurse”. My dad was that kind of guy and it is a rare and special gift to everyone who they touch.
    Rant and rave and rest and all the other stuff you need to do and we will be out here to hold you.

  17. February 9, 2010 7:54 pm

    Those drains sound nasty. I hope you get rid of them soon.

  18. February 9, 2010 8:17 pm

    i am glad you are back home and not tired of us.

    when the time comes, let me know so i can buy you this:

  19. February 9, 2010 8:57 pm

    I do the autistic rock every time I venture into any “health” websites. Mayo Clinics website makes me rock and sweat at the same times.
    Try to stay on light and flowery websites for awhile or funny websites like those crazy people that shop at Walmart. My sister told me she stayed off the breast cancer websites until after her radiation was complete – all that info input just scared the hell out of her.

  20. Paula permalink
    February 10, 2010 7:29 am

    You’re in my thoughts (and prayers). You are an inspiration and I admire you greatly.

  21. February 10, 2010 8:20 am

    I’m thinking about you and sending you happy, silly thoughts on a continual basis.
    Stay away from the internet! Too much information is as bad as not enough information. You’ll just freak yourself out. Remember, those who’ve had your type of cancer and surgery and sailed through it…probably didn’t bother putting their information on the internet. You don’t need to know the worse of the worst. Just wrap yourself up in the love we’re all sending you and stay warm and comfy!

  22. Steve and Deb permalink
    February 10, 2010 8:51 am

    Hang in there. We love you.


  23. Beth Reed permalink
    February 10, 2010 10:45 am

    I am so glad that the surgery went well and I am hoping that the drains will be taken away soon. I know you are going to get thru this because you are one strong woman and I am wishing the best for you.
    I spent your surgery day going thru my scrapbook and enjoying all of the beautiful cards you made and sent to me. That was a lot of fun back then, and I thought of you and sent the best of the best wishes that I could to you. I am so glad that you can keep us posted. Take care.

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