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I Don’t Want to be the Baby

February 15, 2010

I’m in a very sad mood this morning. I’m not sure why. I think it’s coming from two possible places.

One is a phone call from somebody who meant well but I ended up feeling like a big damned baby who was feeling sorry for myself (and no, it’s nobody who reads my blog – so you’re all okay). One of those “Every body has cancer these days, it’s no big deal, you’ll be fine,” kind of phone calls.

I almost felt as though I was looking for her sympathy. I didn’t think that I was, but by the time the phone call was over, that’s exactly how I felt. “Woe is me! Look at poor me!”

I know this is part of the process of cancer. The ups and downs, the highs and lows. Turning innocent words into offensive attacks.

I can’t really even remember what it was that gave me the feeling that she was blowing off how I felt. It was a spidey sense. And maybe it’s because she’s just not the type of person who can empathize with my situation. Or is too afraid to see the bad things that cancer can do to a person’s psyche.  I know she meant well. It’s just not her thing.

The other thing that’s getting me down today is that I know one of my drains can be removed. But I don’t want Scott taking any more time off from work than he has to. The 2nd drain might be ready to go by tomorrow, or Wednesday. I can wait. The 1st drain isn’t the one that’s really getting me down. It’s just that I want it out. But I don’t want to deal with the guilt that I’ll feel when I ask Scott for one more thing. And I don’t want anyone else to take me. So I plan to be a big damned girl, hike my ladies’ briefs a bit higher and tough it one for one or two more dang days.

I just don’t want to be the baby. I’m tired of being the baby.

Good news: My sister brought over an entire turkey feast yesterday. Turkey, mashed potatoes (loaded with some sort of crack), sausage & cranberry dressing, homemade turkey gravy, Cobb salad, green beans with pecans, rhubarb torte, and corn. All from scratch. We have enough for a thanksgiving feast for 12!

And then she went home and made a pork tenderloin dinner for her own family.

She is crazy awesome! And if she ever goes down, I’ve got some big, dang shoes to fill. Let’s hope she never goes down because this baby can’t play like that.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. Leslie permalink
    February 15, 2010 12:31 pm

    Wow. I have been thinking all along that you are taking this all so well, considering that it is probably the suckiest thing that has ever happened to you.

    Well, maybe not as bad as Thing One’s escapades; having been in those shoes, I can hardly imagine anything more painful, but, still. I guess I had been thinking that if I were in your shoes, I would be the absolute biggest baby ever. Like Baby Huey – yeah, that big. And whiny, too. Which you are not.

    And … I would get the drains out as soooon as I could. I bet Scott would die if he knew you were putting it off.

    Also – I had an idea, but no plan as to how to execute it. I think it would be really great if your readers could send hats to you. Is there a P.O. box or something? Can we email you privately and take a standard test to rule out stalker potential? I would love for you to have enough hats to wear one crazy one after another every day until you’re done with your chemo and have your temporarily luxurious curls. Photos, please …

    Anybody have ideas as to how to make this happen?

    Sending hugs your way, and you are NOT a baby!

  2. Pischina permalink
    February 15, 2010 12:46 pm

    Um, I think you can certainly be a baby for awhile longer. You’ve hardly had any time at all to be a baby yet, even though it might seem like forever. Come on, Norma Desmond, work that baby thing for a few months — you certainly have a lot of people who WANT to take care of you. Let them (us)!

  3. Carmelita permalink
    February 15, 2010 1:17 pm

    Would a lunch date that included drain removal count as asking someone else to do something for you? I hear the cafeteria at the dr’s office is quite good.

    Let me know, my schedule is open and I’m always hungry.

  4. February 15, 2010 2:03 pm

    Some people just have no compassion. I’m sure your husband does, and I think Leslie is right, Nugget would be upset knowing you didn’t want to bother him.

  5. Gretchen permalink
    February 15, 2010 2:19 pm

    I know what you mean about the person who called you – I have a friend who does that. If I’m fussing and worrying about something big and she tries to say the right thing, it never fails to come across to me as “Oh that’s nothing, you’re wrong to worry about it.” It is hard to put your finger on it. I’ve had some of my own “stuff” lately and I’m finding it hard not to be rude to her. Hang in there, and if I lived up (further) North I’d happily take a half day off to drive you around.

  6. February 15, 2010 2:43 pm

    Your sister is a fantastic human being. Cancer entitles you to be a baby. Sounds like your sister will be happy to babysit.

  7. February 15, 2010 2:50 pm

    At the moment, you are suffering from post-surgery trauma. I think that was probably as bad as I felt through the whole year of treatment. And your surgery was far more invasive than mine. Some people don’t know what they’re saying. Maybe one day that one will learn from Thumper: “If ya can’t say nuthin’ nice, don’t say nuthin’ at all.”

  8. February 15, 2010 2:59 pm

    It’s just that you aren’t used to being pampered and cared for. You are usually the pamper-er. This is a time in your life for letting go of your own expectations of yourself. Surrender yourself to the care of those who love you. By allowing them to do for you, you help them to improve their own karma.

    However you react to your present circumstances is completely legitimate and okay.

    And I think your phone friend is just terrified that she’ll get cancer too.

    That’s all I’ve got for now.

  9. poolagirl permalink
    February 15, 2010 3:06 pm

    Nugget wants to do these things. It’s his way of connecting with your heart right now. Actually, he probably needs to do these things. He is your angel. A sweet angel.

  10. Maureen permalink
    February 15, 2010 3:09 pm

    Kathy, you are anything but a baby. The courage you have shown is remarkable. Maybe your friend just didn’t know what to say, and now she is kicking herself for not saying the right thing.

    I am with Leslie-I would love to be able to send you a hat or something-do you have a PO box we could send stuff to?

  11. February 16, 2010 5:48 am

    It sucks to be blown off by insensitive people. You are NOT a baby, and you have every right to expect people to be compassionate.

  12. February 16, 2010 8:12 am

    I can’t tell you how many comments like that I’ve heard in the past 4 years. Here’s the thing. Your “friend” didn’t mean well. She’s simply stupid, selfish and ill-mannered. Just because something bad has happened to someone else doesn’t mean it’s ok that something bad has happened to you. This is happening to YOU. That makes it unique and only your version of it. You deserve and need to surround yourself with people who will put their love out there to comfort you. If on occasion, you feel like having a self-pity party…go for it. If you feel like ignoring your situation for a while and acting silly…go for it. Do what YOU need to do for you. It really is that simple. Simple, but not always easy. {HUGS}

  13. capitolady permalink
    February 16, 2010 9:32 am

    First of all you are far from a big baby! Sister you deserve all to do exactly what you need to do to get through this horrible card you have been delt. After all you went through with Thing 1, you have proven how strong you can be. I wish I was there to tell this butt wipe off … Cancer is hell on earth and no one deserves it, least of all you.

    Hang in there girl… Who is this woman? I may have to hurt on her.

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