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All Fired Up

February 16, 2010

Well, at least Lakewood Cemetery gave me something to get all fired up over.

What a horrible way to try to drum up business. Calling from house to house, hoping that random people want a cemetery plot. “Hi. I’m calling from Lakewood Cemetery. How you doin’? Is that a cough?” It’s like getting a phone call from the auto glass people – “Hi! Do you need any auto glass?”

Seriously? Do I need auto glass today? Uh, no. And if I did, I don’t think I’d sit around, waiting for a random cold call. Same thing with a cemetery plot. If I’ve got need for one, I’ll go in search of one. I’m not going to sit by the phone and wait for the cemetery to call me.

Can we promise each other something from hereonout? If you get a cold call, no matter what it is, no matter how badly you need it – never buy it? We’ve got to put telephone solicitations to an end. Every time  you buy a lightbult from a retarded person, you encourage more retarded people to sell overpriced lightbulbs. It’s gotta make a person wonder, who’d the retarded person in that exchange?

I know. So politically wrong. You can take away my boobs, you can take away my self-showering skills, but you can not take away my naughty.

If there’s something you need, you make the phone call. Don’t wait for the phone call to come to you. Be assertive. Go to Home  Depot and buy lightbulbs.

Also? The firefighters who call and ask for your cash donations? They are not firefighters. Ask them. Ask them for great details on their last firefight. I guarantee you, you will find it amusing but not true.

I am on a No-Call list. So thankfully I don’t often get telephone solicitations. I only get the ones that are very pertinent to me, I guess. Like calls from graveyards while I look a little more closely at my own mortality than I have ever looked before.

Good News: I’ve got an afternoon appointment to have one drain removed, for sure, and the other one removed, if I beg and plead and bribe.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. dakotagirl permalink
    February 16, 2010 12:43 pm

    Good luck with drainage removal. I hope everything “comes out” all right. LOL I crack myself up.

  2. Barb permalink
    February 16, 2010 12:56 pm

    Drains be gone! Thinking of you….

  3. February 16, 2010 1:47 pm

    I never buy anything over the phone. I tell them to send me a brochure. When I was at my old store, the “world’s largest seller of roll paper” always wanted me to buy from them. But they didn’t have a catalog. I found that very interesting!

  4. February 16, 2010 1:55 pm

    Do you think Lakewood gets ANY business that way? It boggles the mind.

    Good luck today!

  5. Gretchen permalink
    February 16, 2010 2:12 pm

    I never buy anything from or donate to a cold call. As soon as I figure out what it is, I say “No thank you” and hang up. I don’t even wait for them to take a breath or give them a chance to convince me. Save it, if I need something I know how to find it.

  6. February 16, 2010 2:17 pm

    if they call you again, tell them, “hey, great you called! grandpa is dying right now as we speak. hold on, i need to see if he’s still breathing.”

    then set the phone down and walk away. be sure to have a radio set on a easy-listening (or rap!) station so you can “put them on hold” and entertain them at the same time.

  7. February 16, 2010 2:27 pm

    You could always ask them for their details on a “kosher” funeral. (There is such a thing.) The only acceptable answer would be to refer you to a funeral home (as opposed to some firm that just sells tiny real estate).

    Do you remember when Cosmicrayola had her surgery and asked for tube tops? Just think, in a month or so, you can measure yourself for tube tops too.

  8. February 16, 2010 4:19 pm

    Hurray for drain removal!

  9. February 16, 2010 6:53 pm

    Hope the drain removal was ‘double good’!

  10. Susan Johanson permalink
    February 16, 2010 7:42 pm

    Oh! You are do strong and smart and funny! Hang in there!


    p.s. Sarah Palin demanded Rahm Emmanuel’s resignation (Obama’s chief of staff) for using the word ‘retarded’.

    • February 16, 2010 7:48 pm

      Oh great – I agree with something Sarah Palin did? I must be sicker than I thought! ‘Retarded’ is a horrible word. I just had to use to for dramatic flare. And now I’ve sealed the deal that I should never become a politician. Use of a politically incorrect word and I’m sure there’s hundreds of sex tapes and illegitimate children I didn’t even know I had!

  11. February 16, 2010 7:49 pm

    GOOD-BYE, drains, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

  12. February 17, 2010 12:34 am

    Wow, the coldcall from the cemetary is totally the first vignette when you perform your 1 woman show. Seriously. You need to work on a 10 minute routine about Goodbye to the Bosom and then when you’re up and around get your hip young family members to schlep you to a comedy club, buy you colorful cocktails and push you onstage when the time comes.

    I find whenever I can’t sleep I work on my routine about why I left LA…..It was when my friend Nancy went on a diet involving consuming large amounts of diatomaceous earth and intermittently fasting and her stories made me want to TRY THIS MYSELF instead of ordering a large chocolate frappe. The way a good New Englander would have…

  13. February 17, 2010 3:38 am

    I used to get random calls from a cemetery. I got fed up with it, and the next call I got I burst into fake sobbing and told them I couldn’t believe they were calling me, that we had JUST buried a loved one yesterday. Haha, the salesperson was speechless and didn’t know what to say. I hung up and laughed my ass off.

  14. February 17, 2010 10:10 am

    Paula G from Indiana just made me bust out in laughter so loud that both my kids are about to commit me to the looney bin.

    I get calls ALL THE TIME from my university. Like, what the hell, folks? I gave you $12K a year for four years, and you want MORE? No way, Jose.

  15. poolagirl permalink
    February 17, 2010 10:45 am

    I gave up my land line and my cell is private. I never get calls anymore. YAY!

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