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Stop This Train

February 19, 2010

I woke up this morning to a message in my facebook messages, from my friend Patty – who’s been my friend since we were 14:

I had the most wonderful dream about you last night – you asked me to stop by your house because you had something you wanted me to see. I arrived, and you brought out this beautiful, exquisite little girl – and you told me she was fragile right now and so I could only see her for a short time, but that she was growing strong under your protection.

I woke up so happy, knowing that you are that beautiful little girl.


There is so much love out there for me. I can’t even begin to tell you about the amount that has been sent my way. I had no idea that one little person could become this rich.

What breast cancer has done to me is to crack me wide open, to allow in the love that I never allowed in before.

I am thankful for my breast cancer.

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail from my friend, Dan, who’s beautiful wife, Allison, died this summer after battling six cancers in about 15 years. Along with Dan’s letter, which made me cry as much as Patty’s dream did, was a brochure that his wife Allison had put together. A brochure she used when she began doing speeches to help others fight the cancer battle. Her brochure is a trifold glossy page that offers suggestions to family members and friends of cancer patients – things to say and not say, how to offer help and food, etc. It’s awesome. And it’s so Allison.

And it made me bawl like a baby because, really? Why is Allison not here to talk me through this. Allison in her softness, to help calm me down. Which just made me cry even harder because I realized that Allison is here. And she’s talking through Dan.

I am melting. And it feels good.


The 2nd drain came out yesterday afternoon. Hallelujah isn’t a big enough word. 15 days with 5″ foreign objects inserted into my body. Doing there job but causing so much pain and discomfort. I am now ready to join all of you in the real world again.

Next on the cancer agenda is a post-op appointment with my surgeon, insertion of the port catheter (for chemo infusion and blood draws), and physical therapy.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. poolagirl permalink
    February 19, 2010 12:19 pm

    For you.

  2. Cathy permalink
    February 19, 2010 12:45 pm

    I thank Patty for sharing her dream with you! It is a beautiful message! Kathy, You are loved by many!

  3. Gretchen permalink
    February 19, 2010 12:48 pm

    People can be so amazing when you let them, good for you for being able to accept it.

    A question – do you have to keep track of and keep up with all these appointments yourself, or are the offices/dr’s on top of it? I’d be afraid I’d get confused and miss something.

  4. Floweer permalink
    February 19, 2010 12:58 pm

    Yeah! Wanna play? I would love to see Nugget skiing on the 1/2 pipe-he has so much style – and the right color hair!

  5. Niki permalink
    February 19, 2010 1:54 pm

    The drains are BOTH out! Yippee.

  6. February 19, 2010 2:02 pm

    Hurray for both drains being out! Now you can stop thinking about sick and start thinking about healing! Well being on the road there anyway! Take care! Hugs Bels

  7. February 19, 2010 2:13 pm

    Get that brochure scanned and posted, lady!!!

    We never know what form gifts will take, do we?


  8. February 19, 2010 2:40 pm

    You are doing great – hang in there!

  9. February 19, 2010 5:57 pm

    Glad those drains are out! Progress!

  10. February 20, 2010 2:51 am

    I couldn’t possibly know what you’re going through. Although I had a bilateral mastectomy last October, and just had the fourth of six chemo treatments,I did not have lymph node involvement. I wish you a kind and gentle journey through chemo.

    • February 20, 2010 9:37 am

      Right, my new friend Linda, you can’t possibly know what I’m going through? If anyone can, you can. Just don’t’ give me any lymph node advice! ;o)

      I wish the same thing for you!

  11. February 20, 2010 7:55 am

    Remember that people are indeed there for you. Don’t be afraid to ask. My son took over all the online research for me (I was just overwhelmed). And he spoke to the surgeon and the oncologist by phone whenever he couldn’t get here to speak to them in person.

    Take someone with you whenever you go to the doctor, just for the second set of ears.

  12. February 20, 2010 8:10 am

    Patty and Dan – wow. All I can say is that it’s good to know that people can sometimes blow me away in a GOOD way.

  13. February 20, 2010 1:00 pm

    Well, Kathy, that may be true, but even though I understand my experience, I still want to listen to yours as if it was a new story. Life seems to make more sense that way. I wish that for me too. That others don’t assume they know what I went through. I don’t know how your surgery went. I may have missed that post, but I was very fortunate to have the best surgeon on the planet, Carey Cullinane. The hospital was so crowded with swine flu and other patients, by the time I got out of recovery, the only room left was a private suite! The nurses were all friendly, knowledgeable, and seemed to love their jobs. Many friends visited even though I only stayed two nights. Others sent flowers. It was a wonderful experience. So when I say I had a bilateral mastectomy, some people get a sad look on their face, but it wasn’t sad at all. I am quite satisfied with my new flat chest and have no regrets about my decision. Chemo’s another story. I get through the treatments by hoping this plan means I never have to do it again.

  14. Fay permalink
    February 20, 2010 11:28 pm

    I am so struck by your having written: “I am thankful for my breast cancer.” I love that it has done this for you, even though it’s also done things TO you. Deep, yo.

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