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I Hate This Stupid Cancer

February 26, 2010

Personal Message to Floweer – Are those Frango mints in the cupcakes? Those are awesome cupcakes!!! Recipe, please! Thanks for dinner!

Personal Message to Sting – I’m eating the salad for lunch. Almost had the wine for breakfast. Thank you!!!

***

One of the annoying things about having breast cancer is trying to get to sleep at night.

It’s because I can’t get comfortable what with the bilateral mastectomy and the big incision site that goes from under one arm, all the way across, to the other damn arm.

Can you tell I’m annoyed?

I’m a side to side sleeper but now I can’t sleep on my sides. And it’s not just the life-sized incision, it’s also that I can’t raise my arms very high and that’s part of the side to side sleeping – one arm is tucked under the pillow, higher than my head.

Does that make sense to you?

Last night I was so frickin’ annoyed that I could not get comfortable. I couldn’t lay on my back because my sinuses were stuffed (allergies) making my CPAP pretty much unusable. When my sinuses are plugged, wearing that stupid mask feels like someone’s holding a pillow over my face

I couldn’t lay on my sides because it’s just not possible.

So I ripped that frickin’ CPAP mask off, as I’ve been doing alot lately, lay on my back and let what happen may. Sleep apnea doesn’t scare me anymore. If I stop breathing in the  middle of the night and don’t start breathing again, at least I won’t have to worry about the stupid breast cancer anymore.

I woke up this morning to a pity party. I lay in bed, mad that I have this stupid cancer.

I’ve spent some time wondering what it was that caused this. Was it the sugar I eat? The diet coke I drink? The times I reheated hotdishes in plastic containers?

Don’t I lead an at-risk life – if these are the only things I worry about that may have caused my breast cancer?

But then I thought about  how my sister lives her life pretty much eating exactly what I do, drinking diet coke as much as I do, and reheating all sorts of hotdishes in plastic containers – and she doesn’t have breast cancer.

It’s a frickin’ crapshoot. I guess I just didn’t duck fast enough.

Pity party done.

***

My little mother keeps bringing me new clothing. I told her that I wanted to wait until I’d healed so that I could figure out how I want to dress this new body of mine (which I’m giving way too much thought to…because right now I look like my friend Dan – no chest, all beer belly *hi Dan! love ya* – so all I really need to do right now is dress like Dan!) Do you think my mother would listen? No, she would not. She keeps coming over with bag after bag of clothing that she thinks is cute. And sure, it’s pretty cute stuff but I want to really think about how I’m going to dress my new self.

So yesterday afternoon, in comes mom with another bag from Herberger’s – a local department store.

“Mom! What did I say?”

“I’m sorry. I had to!”

“I don’t want you spending any more money, mom!”

“But this is so cute,” she said then handed me the bag.

Which I had to open, of course. I have my principles but a Herberger’s bag is much stronger than my principles.

“Oh! This is so cute!” I said.

“I know!” she replied.

“Okay. Just this last time. But no more!” I said.

“Yep,” she replied.

I wonder what she’ll bring me today.

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. February 26, 2010 11:28 am

    I hate this stupid cancer too. I hate that you have that big incision and I hate that you can’t breathe when you’re trying to sleep. Grrr. But I am sending you all my best healing thoughts in hopes that some of these issues go away SOON.

    Haha I love that your mom is bringing you new, cute clothes.

  2. Marcia permalink
    February 26, 2010 11:31 am

    Yep it’s a crapshoot. Sending you positive thoughts.

  3. Leslie permalink
    February 26, 2010 11:50 am

    Definitely a crapshoot, no point in second guessing your life. Add me to the list of your friends who hate this cancer, too. I hate that you can’t sleep well.

    The mom/clothes story reminded me of my old friend Patsy – she was from the deep south, managed to transplant herself to California in her late teens to go to school and become a hippie. We were both living the freak life in Santa Cruz in the early 70s … her mother used to send her boxes of the most amazing variety of “suitable” clothing she had sewn on her Singer back in Lousiana. Yikes, those big packages of the most god-ugly (think plaid and flower prints) skirts and dresses … one of my most vivid recollections is of the two of us cruising along the coast highway in some battered old blue station wagon, with those clothes flying out the window, one by one. Laughing ourselves silly.

  4. February 26, 2010 1:16 pm

    This may be the time for you to try sleeping without lying down. If you own a recliner, try that. (If nothing else, your allergies will drain!)

    I’m not saying go out and buy a recliner immediately. Someone might be able to lend you one, or you can build something comfortable with pillows. You are a little young for such things, but for one year you are entitled to act old.

    In twenty years, you’ll be ready for it. 8)

  5. Claudia permalink
    February 26, 2010 1:35 pm

    Awww. Can you take a benadryl to be able to sleep a little more soundly in a less than comfortable position?

    Your incision sounds scary and I hate the cancer, too!

    xoxo

  6. February 26, 2010 2:46 pm

    Ah yes, the old “afraid of food” thing we’ve got going on!
    Every time I get anything wrong with me, I think “What have I been eating and drinking that has suppressed my immune system so that I couldn’t fight this off?” A girl could drive herself crazy thinking that way, and when I’m sick I’m semi-delirious anyway so I really obsess about what I’ve been putting into my body.
    It’s true what you say though, because my parents shared the same meals every day for 40-some years and lived and slept in the same house/environment and she got terminal kidney cancer and he didn’t. Aside from their genetic differences, she preferred to be indoors sewing and eating a dish of ice cream most days, while he was outside farming and after retirement, golfing. I assume that affected their immune systems differently — as sunlight, fresh air, and exercise are known to do — but when it comes to food … I HATE feeling afraid that any of it might be weakening my immune system. Which I don’t worry about when I’m feeling fine. You probably will, while you’re feeling crappy. It’s normal.
    Have you rented a pile of comedy movies yet? I think that’s the best thing to get you through these uncomfortable days. Laugh your ass off!

  7. yaketyyak permalink
    February 26, 2010 4:11 pm

    Count me in among those who hate that stupid cancer.

  8. Gretchen permalink
    February 26, 2010 5:04 pm

    Hope you get some good sleep soon – that lack of sleep will wear you down faster than anything. Hang in there!

  9. dan permalink
    February 26, 2010 5:22 pm

    what beer gut?

  10. poolagirl permalink
    February 26, 2010 6:14 pm

    I hate your stupid cancer too. Freaking CANCER!

  11. kim birt permalink
    February 27, 2010 1:13 am

    I HATE cancer too I have hated it for awhile… YOU my Beading FRIEND will come through this SHINING and looking good in all your new clothes that Mommmy bought…hang tight… YOU Rock.. STAY STRONG!!!!
    In my prayers… ok here is a((((HUG)))) I know you no likey hugs but I had too.

  12. February 27, 2010 1:32 am

    Yes. Cancer sucks. There’s no predicting whose will become a problem or what causes the cells to begin dividing and multiplying. Taking care of oneself apparently does not prevent cancer from developing. I hate it too and have been spitting nails and insects and all kinds of foulness lately.

    I’m envious of your mom. What a sweetie.

  13. February 27, 2010 8:28 am

    I hate everyone’s cancer but yours is the worst.

  14. fran permalink
    February 27, 2010 11:35 am

    All the clothes your “little mother” is buying is HER way of coping with your illness. As a nurse she has helped countless numbers of others but she can’t take away your cancer… she feels helpless. You’re still her baby and she feels helpless to make you feel better.

  15. Floweer permalink
    February 27, 2010 6:30 pm

    Frango mints – in a chocolate cake mix – I did make the frosting (way easy). Want more? They can be delivered. Let me know if you want more hats – I will look for patterns. Thanks for the great communication. I am here for you.

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