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Cure for the Cure

March 13, 2010

I was so sick yesterday. Fever. Aches. A stinking mess. I finally called the doctor’s office last night at 10 p.m. and was told to hang in there and call them back if certain things got worse.

Certain things did not get worse, thank god, and I’m on the better side.

I can’t tell you how many times I thought, and said, “I just wish I were dead!” (oh! woe is me!) I was that miserable.

Today. Not that miserable. I’m laying low because I don’t want to get anywhere near miserable again. And this is the week that my white blood count would bottom out, were it to bottom out.

I go to the oncologist’s office on Tuesday for lab work. If the numbers are low, I get a booster shot. Which can cause fever and aches.

I keep wondering, is there a cure for the cure? Because right about now, and I’ve only just begun, I want no more to do with the cure. Afterall, they cut the cancer off of me, right? My ovaries are dying, taking estrogen with them – and my cancer is estrogen-positive. So if my body’s no longer producing estrogen, and the cancer’s been removed, I’ve decided I’m cancer free. The end.

Oh if only it were that simple. I’d rule the world! Kathy’s Simple Rules! I’m nothing, if not simple.

It’s the fever residue talking.

Have I mentioned that Diet Coke and I are taking a break from each other?

I’m a Diet Coke addict. In fact, I’ve decided that it’s the Diet Coke that gave me the cancer, I drink so much Diet Coke. But chemo has effected my taste buds and the thing I can’t stand is off-tasting Diet Coke. I try. Lord, how I try. Can after can of just a few sips before I give up and switch to cranberry juice. For some reason, cranberry juice tastes even more delicious than it did before.

Could be the Cosmopolitan Martini cravings.

My goal for today is to make escape plans before my next chemo. I would love to be unavailable for the next round because I know that it’s only going to get worse before it gets better, or before I fling myself in front of my mother’s always-speeding, never-watching-where-she’s-going vehicle. (Edited: I just reread this and it makes absolutely no sense to me. So I just have to leave it as it is a great sample of Chemo Brain!)

I know. Not good options. Just wishful thinking.

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. March 13, 2010 11:31 am

    Kathy,
    I am so sorry that you feel so ill. Hang in there because there is a silver lining for you. I am not sure where it is right now, but everyday is a victory and you will win this battle. Thinking of you every day and wishing you well.

  2. Gretchen permalink
    March 13, 2010 11:34 am

    I’m sorry you’re feeling awful. Hope it gets better soon.

  3. fran permalink
    March 13, 2010 11:44 am

    Just hang in there and do the best you can. Let it be, go with the flow, don’t fight the symptoms/effects of the chemo. Sleep it off if you can.

    • March 13, 2010 12:56 pm

      I couldn’t sleep. I tried to be a good sleeper. But I ached. And then I’d stretch my limbs. And then I’d try to sleep. And then I’d ache. And then I’d cry. And then I’d swear. And then I’d ache. And then I’d infinity all of this!!!! I begged to sleep. Stupid sleep!!!

  4. March 13, 2010 11:44 am

    I wish I could tell you that’s as bad as it gets, but I don’t know; your treatment is different from mine. There are some things I can tell you.

    The shot to help your white count is a real kick in the marrow; your bones can hurt. After the first time — when I had to ask U.D. to pull the sheet over my shoulders ’cause my arms hurt — I learned to take a couple of tylenol as soon as I got home, before the pain started. It definitely helped.

    If your red cell count goes down, there is a miraculous shot for that. I needed it every time, and felt better within a few hours.

    As far as your estrogen theory, no. We’ll discuss that after you’ve finished chemo.

  5. Ruth from SC permalink
    March 13, 2010 11:47 am

    Kathy I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but that sentence you pointed out as an example of chemo brain sounds exactly the way you have always written your blog!! It’s a perfect example of your hilarous writing style that we all love so much…….so sorry that you are feeling so sh*t*y. Hang in there – it will get better, but in the meantime you have all of us cheering for you and praying that all those yucky cells will disappear!!

    • March 13, 2010 12:54 pm

      Oh my God, Ruth! Cancer has caused me to filter and edit? When will the madness end?!!!!!

  6. March 13, 2010 12:02 pm

    I must have Chemo Brain too, ’cause it made perfect sense to me.

    And also, I’ll drink the Diet Coke you’re not drinking. We wouldn’t want them to go out of business!

    • March 13, 2010 12:54 pm

      I appreciate your stepping up to bat for me, Robyn. My little brother works at Coca-Cola and we don’t need a bottling plant shutting down!

  7. poolagirl permalink
    March 13, 2010 12:14 pm

    Dang! Sorry the chemo decided to tapdance on your sweet self! Fucking cancer! Hope today is better for you.

  8. Floweer permalink
    March 13, 2010 12:16 pm

    Need a walk? or anything? I am sorry about the side effects. It is hard – I do not know – but I still care (make any sense?) You are amazing – not because of how you are dealing with this – but because you are amazing.

    • March 13, 2010 12:52 pm

      I need to have this behind me. That’s all I want. Nothing else.

      Sincerely,

      Not Amazing Just Pissed Off

  9. Paula permalink
    March 13, 2010 12:19 pm

    I am OUTRAGED that with everything else you’re going through that damn diet Coke has turned on you. That WHORE.

    I gave up diet Coke as I was also an addict. More of an addict than I’d like to admit because now I allow myself one ONE 20 oz bottle a day. (And OH that first swallow…)

    *Long, tortured sigh* Cranberry juice is better for you. I drink water (for the love of God, how low have I sunk?) flavored diet iced tea now.

    Sorry you are having a time of it. You are always in my prayers.

    • March 13, 2010 12:50 pm

      Oh Paula – I couldn’t condone drinking Diet Coke from a 20 oz. bottle. The taste difference is just too much for me to handle! (How much of an addict am I? That much of an addict!)

      Water tastes incredibly weird to me right now. I’m spending big bucks to drink Seltzer Water in fancy glass bottles. But the money I save by not running around, spending money, gives me the funds I need for the fancy water in the fancy glasses!

      • Paula permalink
        March 13, 2010 1:14 pm

        Kathy, I totally understand because I CAN NOT drink diet Coke from a can! Bleh. Also fountain diet Cokes? Puh-leeze. And God HELP the person who suggests diet Pepsi!!

      • March 13, 2010 1:17 pm

        If only we could get back to the long-neck bottles of soda. *sigh*

  10. Leslie permalink
    March 13, 2010 1:08 pm

    Ugh. That just plain old sucks. When you wrote about wishing you would die, I could relate – although I haven’t had your exact experience, I have been to the depths after a botched surgery. I can remember just wanting to escape my own body.

    I am glad you are feeling a little better today – hope you have seen the worst.

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