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Panic With Me, Won’t You?

March 27, 2010

Do I write about this or don’t I write about this.

I write about this.

Because if I’m going to panic, you’re going to have to panic right along with me.

I’m afraid that I found a lump under my  right arm. The bad arm. The one with the missing lymph nodes. The cancerous side.

And I hope, how I hope, that it’s just part of my new body shape – some sort of a muscle or fat pocket or whatever – and that I’m wrong.

Unfortunately, it feels exactly like the other lumps that I had surgically removed. The ones that attempted to murder me.

I’ll ask my oncologist to feel it on Tuesday, when I go for my chemo. Until then, I’ll just travel to the worst place possible…

that it is a lump and that it was not detected before because it wasn’t there before, because it is an incredibly fast-growing and aggressive lump that will take over my body by the 4th of July.

Then I’ll back up a little bit…

and think that perhaps it is another lump o’cancer. That will be shrunk with the chemo. Or may have to be surgically removed -with a dozen jackson-pratt drains inserted for fluid removal.

How about I back up even a little bit more…

and pretend that it’s another lump o’cancer that will shrink with the chemo, a few zaps of radiation (that will cause my skin to fry and fall off – of course) and I’ll be on my merry way.

Or how about this…

it’s just a lump of fat and there’s nothing pertaining to cancer about it.

If only it were my fat scaring me.

I’m just pretty sure it’s a brand new lump that is going to kill me by the 4th of July. I’ll be lucky enough to make it to my son’s high school graduation in June.

Because I’m like that and I no longer have faith that I’ll still be baking cookies when I’m 92 years old.

25 Comments leave one →
  1. March 27, 2010 11:04 am

    It might be scar tissue from the surgery, even if it’s not where there’s an actual scar outside. Scar tissue can create lump-like things under the skin, too.

  2. March 27, 2010 11:30 am

    I was about to post about scar tissue too but Chai beat me to it.

  3. March 27, 2010 11:51 am

    In theory, they scan for other tumors before they plan what they’ll cut during surgery. I had two kinds of full body scans that didn’t find anything. I had another CT scan before I started radiation, and all they found was the fluid that had built up.

    I know you’re scared. Of course you’ll ask the doctor to check it. Then you will leave it in his hands. And I will be sending good thoughts.

  4. March 27, 2010 11:54 am

    Kathy didn’t you have a PET scan? If you did they would have discovered any other places that you would have had Cancer. My guess it’s just scar tissue. But I know you are scared, I’d be as well. Do you have to wait until Tuesday, can you call your Oncologist on Monday to find out? Thinking of you toots — hang in there. You will be baking cookies at 92. I am just stating fact. hugs and love.

  5. Beth permalink
    March 27, 2010 12:08 pm

    Shit! OK. Take a breath. I am sending you positive thoughts and the hope that Tuesday gets here quickly and you learn it’s nothing but your body fucking around with you. An early April Fools. Besides, fat does do weird crap, you should just see the lumps on my thighs. So, there’s my hope for you. Cellulite that has migrated.

  6. Gretchen permalink
    March 27, 2010 12:12 pm

    Go ahead and panic. I know I would. Just stay away from Google and wait until you can talk to a real doctor. I’m sure it’s fat or scar tissue, but I say go for the drama until you know for sure.

  7. March 27, 2010 12:49 pm

    Yeah. What they said. Whatever you think you have, they would have found with all the scans. Scar tissue, fluid buildup, fishsticks.

    That being said, I might need to stop reading your blog. I’ve been getting fantom boob pains ever since your diagnosis – and the only thing that has stopped them is my nightly breast exam… Seriously, I’m starting to enjoy the process…. 😉 Enjoy your weekend!

  8. March 27, 2010 2:33 pm

    I’ll take the panic for you. You keep thinking it’s a harmless bump that’s just remnant from the surgery. I’m good at panic. So, pet your doggie, wear your lovely earrings, eat some cake. 🙂

  9. Paula permalink
    March 27, 2010 2:40 pm

    Hey, do we get another group grope on Tuesday now? You know, solidarity and all?

    I agree with everyone that it’s scar tissue or fat but I especially like the fish sticks suggestion. Maybe because this is one of my favorite word plays:

    “Mrs. Paul’s Fish Sticks. Does yours?”


    Ok, ok, I’ll worry along with you and I’ll continue to pray and send good thoughts.

  10. goatbarnwitch permalink
    March 27, 2010 3:20 pm

    Scar tissue, scar tissue, scar tissue… if I say enough times it will be true. Worrying right along with you but believing in scar tissue.

  11. March 27, 2010 5:07 pm

    Of course you’re terrified – of course you’re panicking. I would too….that being siad, I’m sure its not jsut scar tissue, but it’s fat scar tissue. If that were cancer, I’m sure they would have found that when they had you all opened up taking out the other stuff!
    Have a glass of wine…hell, have two or three glasses of wine and then take a nap.

  12. March 27, 2010 6:25 pm

    Another one jumping in with positive thoughts though I would be like you! I pray it’s scar tissue and surely the pet scan would NOT of missed something not that long ago.
    Drink some wine and I will drink some for you too!

  13. March 27, 2010 7:06 pm

    Gah! Step away from the google and think lovely thoughts. That’s all I got. Thinking about you every day! Hang in there!

  14. March 27, 2010 7:31 pm

    Holding the highest thoughts for scar tissue…scar tissue…scar tissue, dammit!

  15. March 27, 2010 8:26 pm

    Crap! Sending good thoughts, Kathy. Any chance you can get somebody to look at it before Monday?

  16. March 27, 2010 9:46 pm

    I vote scar tissue too, with added fat just to be annoying. I know I got the weirdest lumps on the scars from my knee surgery and they didn’t show up will like 2 weeks after all the stitches in theory came out! The dissolving stuff can sometimes cause a reaction and take ages to go away!

    Have a glass of vino and count down hours till you see the oncologist on Tuesday.

  17. Diane permalink
    March 27, 2010 11:22 pm

    They’re pretty thorough before they operate. Have faith .. it’s nothing

  18. March 28, 2010 3:56 am

    My thoughts and every ounce of healing energy are with you, Kathy. I know how scarey the lump must be. If it’s any consolation, I feel lumps under my arm too. I touch them just about every day. They are not cancer, but just my lumpy body.

    This is a good time to do some meditation or take a few deep yujai breaths. May you get through the next few days with courage, love, and calm. Do something good for yourself. Know that I am thinking of you. I send you a thousand hugs.

  19. yaketyyak permalink
    March 28, 2010 7:59 am

    Sending positive thoughts…

  20. Floweer permalink
    March 28, 2010 7:59 am

    Good thoughts coming your way – all the time. Call on Monday morning – that is what the health care staff is there for – use them and their services. Love ya!

  21. March 28, 2010 10:47 am

    The logical part of my mind says it must be scar tissue. The emotional part of my mind says CALL YOUR ONCOLOGIST FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING! Even if they can’t fit you in before your appointment on Tuesday, they can at least tell you if scar tissue in that area is normal. Until then, I’m hugging you so tight, you can barely breathe and you can’t move enough to keep touching the lump! Hang in there, sweetie.

  22. March 28, 2010 10:56 am

    I will hold your faith of baking cookies when you 92 for you. You just breathe. Make a call tomorrow. I will be praying for you.

  23. Beth Reed permalink
    March 28, 2010 11:41 am

    I am with every one else, try to keep your mind off of it, but do call your doc in the morning first thing and report it and insist that they need to see you ASAP. They will do this for you. They are working for you and not the other way around. Use your power and tell them to open those books and pencil you in. Hugs and thoughts and lots of healing vibes headed to you. Beth

  24. katie permalink
    March 28, 2010 3:04 pm

    I’m with everyone else – but also, call Monday morning if for no other reason than to let them know you have an “issue” to discuss on Tuesday – so they know in advance.

    In the meantime……..I LOVE oatmeal raisin cookies, thank you very much!

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