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March 28, 2010

You know what, people? You are a whole lot worse with the panicking than I ever will be. Well not all of you. Just the ones of you who wanted me running to the doctor immediately.

I’m not going to call the doctor tomorrow. I’ve got an appointment on Tuesday morning. If I’ve got a lump, it’ll still be there then. It’s not like my oncologist is going to check it out, and if she sees it, send me down to the operating room. There are steps, people. And step one is to see the doctor, as scheduled, mention it to her and see what she thinks I should do about it.

If I were to call her on the phone tomorrow and she were to tell me, “Don’t worry. It’s probably scar tissue,” I’d lose my faith in her. I think she should feel it and then determine if I should get an ultrasound or look at my file to see what was scanned before surgery.

Linda – thank you for telling me that you’ve done this before me. It takes a lump-feeler to know a lump-feeler. You calmed me down. I took your suggestion to meditate and tweeked it my style – making a bunch of jewelry. That’s the zen zone for someone who’s hyperactive.

I also watched a few movies – “I Love You, Man” and “Juno”. I hadn’t seen I Love You, Man so when the scene came up with the projectile vomiting, it was just the outrageous laughter that I needed. I’d already seen Juno, but recalled hardly any of it, so it was like watching it for the first time. I love that movie.

I’m just sorry that I missed Floweer’s birthday party. I’m sorry, Floweer. I know you understand that I just didn’t want to come and cry in front of all of your party guests. Stupid cancer. Ruins my party fun.

So now with my  hair this thin, I’m surprised at how much it hurts. My hair doesn’t want to go against the grain. It only wants to go in the direction to which it was born to go. This makes wearing hats or scarves or babushkas painful. It feels better to have nothing on my head. So I’m going out with nothing on my head. Not that I’m going out much.

I’m planning on running to the grocery store tonight. Sans hat. If anyone has a problem with it, I double dog dare them to say something to me.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. March 28, 2010 3:21 pm

    I admit I am a panicker guilty as charged. (hanging my head) — sorry! I really do think it’s just plain ole scar tissue though!

  2. March 28, 2010 6:13 pm

    I think you should not panic, but should definitely have it checked on Tuesday. My experience is going to be different than yours, but 5 years later I still have a lumpy underarm and sometimes it is still tender. It has always bothered me more than the breast scar.

    I really suggest having someone shave your head. Mine was so sore and tender and it still will be, but you won’t have that hair going the wrong way.

    Thinking of you.

  3. March 28, 2010 6:51 pm

    Blessings, sweetie! I am holding you in my heart!

  4. March 28, 2010 7:25 pm

    I don’t remember my hair hurting but I shaved it when I looked like a monk. I am sure the lump is scar tissue but your doctor will put your mind at ease on Tuesday. I have problems assessing my scar tissue even now years later. I get a yearly MRI and a yearly mammogram and that’s all I can do. Maybe you will have to do the same thing to look for changes.

  5. yaketyyak permalink
    March 29, 2010 4:42 am

    My neighbor has breast cancer, and recently had a lump removed. She was telling me yesterday that she has a new lump in the affected breast. Her doctor said that happens sometimes, and it’s nothing to worry about it. I hope the same is true for you. By the way, I’m digging the new jewelry!

  6. Jenn permalink
    March 29, 2010 8:58 am

    not gonna lie – you are looking hot in a dyke-ish sort of way! 😉 xxoo

  7. Suzi permalink
    March 29, 2010 9:33 am

    I have to agree with Jenn…..and I’m a straight female! Thinking postive thoughts and putting you in my golden egg (My Mom has always done this for all her kids and grandkids when she’s worried about them). P.S. Any chance you’re going to sell any of the baubles???

  8. Sue permalink
    March 29, 2010 1:01 pm

    Watch you don’t sunburn that cute little bald head of yours! Once again, sending positive thoughts your way for tomorrow.

  9. March 29, 2010 5:37 pm

    You are wise, Kathy. A day’s difference allows you to take a reality check and put all of the sensational panic away. Good for your immune system too.

    The resulting jewelry is beautiful. I wore my necklace to chemo today. It’s now my chemo necklace.

    I’ll be watching carefully for your next few blogs to hear the doctor’s opinion. Meanwhile, I’ll keep feeling my lumps to see if they’ve changed (they don’t) 🙂

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