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No. I’m Not.

April 1, 2010

Every time somebody tells me I’m brave, I am remind of Karin and her fight. I am not brave. Karin is brave. I don’t think I could do what she’s doing.

I am mad that I have to be on this journey.

I am mad that I no longer get to blog about mundane shit.

I am mad that I have to fear going through this ever again in my lifetime.

I am mad that my right arm is freaky.

I am mad that I got this bullshit, cancer.

I want to go back to my shallow existence. Being lazy and slothlike looks so very appealing.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. April 1, 2010 9:57 pm

    This post reminds me that I barely know you (reading you blog for years & have purchased some jewelry) yet I really like you…not in creepy stalker way, more cuz I like your attitude & honesty.

  2. April 1, 2010 10:19 pm

    You are brave. And YOU give me strength as I wait to hear of the results of my mom’s biopsy. I love reading (and have read!) every word you write… Hang in there girl!

    Thank you (no, seriously… :P)
    Becky in Windsor

  3. April 1, 2010 11:35 pm

    Sorry, but I must disagree. You ARE brave.

  4. Floweer permalink
    April 2, 2010 6:08 am

    You are mad about what is happening – but your attitude toward it is brave. I admire how you have handled your anger and frustration – and pulled in your humor. That is brave. Brave is taking what you have been dealt – and making it better. Brave is being honest. You are doing that and more my friend.

  5. yaketyyak permalink
    April 2, 2010 7:00 am

    I’d be mad, too.

  6. April 2, 2010 7:03 am

    I used to tell my kids “Brave isn’t NOT being afraid. Brave is being afraid and doing what you need to do anyway.”

    You, my friend are brave. You are also brutally honest about your feelings and opinions (one of my favorite things about you.) You are also “pee in your pants” or “spew coffee all over the computer screen” funny. I have learned to set my coffee cup down before I open your blog.

    Many of us who are reading you, may never experience what you’re going through now. But if one of us ever does…we have you and this blog to turn to for inspiration, laughter and an example of what brave looks like.


  7. April 2, 2010 8:19 am

    Of course you’re angry. You didn’t deserve this. But remember, there’s also a lot of courage in sharing your experience. (By experience, I didn’t write about mine until I was finished with treatment.)

  8. April 2, 2010 10:46 am

    I do not pretend to know what you are going through. I do understand the not being brave part. When my husband had cancer people would say how brave he was. Even freakier people would say I was brave. Our son was 10 months old and our daughter was 5. We were not brave we were just treading water together waiting for things to get better. His battle was nothing like what you are going through, but still it was the journey we were sent on without consent. Since we decided not to curl up into a ball and shrivel up, we had to follow the course.

    Keep treading the water my friend. When you get tired know that all of us here in the cyber world are cheering you on. Sorry we can’t send you floaties or a speed boat.

  9. April 2, 2010 8:05 pm

    Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes!

  10. Irish permalink
    April 2, 2010 8:55 pm

    You’ve always made the mundane interesting. I wish you could go back to that, too. Only 4 more to go and maybe seroma will be gone as well. Though cancer may always lurk – you will keep it in perspective and let it know what you think of it glowering in the shadows and throw light on all the other things you’ve got going for you. As for the pee rush – wear a pad – then you can take your time getting to the bathroom (no accidents). Here’s a big hug. I love you – don’t you forget it………

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