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Shuffle Step

April 4, 2010

Over 2 months ago I had my bilateral mastectomy. My God. Time flies when you’re moving an inch at a time. Which is what I am doing. Inch by inch. Step by step. One day at a time would be a giant leap for me.

So when people, who I thought I was closer to, rarely contact me, but when they do, say “I’m so sorry I haven’t e-mailed/called/whatever’ed, I’ve been so busy!” it makes me want to cry and cry and cry.

Are they expecting me to feel bad for their stressed out, way too busy lives? I’d prefer they just dropped the “I’ve been busy” part and just say “Hey! Was thinking about you today!” I love them. I’m glad they reached out. I just wish I was too busy, too, to reach out to them.

I understand. Life moves on when you’re living in real time. However, I am currently not participating in real time. It really is one inch at a time for me. With giant leaps backwards on the bad days after chemo.

There have been some people in my life who have really shined through for me. And it doesn’t take much to shine through for me these days. Seriously. I am thrilled to get e-mails and comments. They don’t take much energy but the thought means everything to me.

Even the facebook shout-outs mean alot to me.

I  know! How lonely am I?

Very lonely.

It’s ridiculously hard for an extrovert like me to have to go underground. And I have to go underground. My health is at risk. My energy is precious.

Before I had cancer, I used to look at cancer survivors with a proud eye. So brave. Such a fighter! Hells bells, that’s not even the tip of the iceberg that lies underneath a cancer survivor.

I am a fucking warrior and I deserve a medal.

I had no idea how hard this was and I’m ashamed that I didn’t know how hard it was.

I am proud to be amongst a bunch of warriors. A bunch of inch-by-inch shufflers.

And I am happy to have alot of wonderful people who take whatever mini-second it takes to send a little happiness my way. I am not easy to get along with these days. I am miserable. I am in no mood. You, too, are warriors.

shuffle shuffle shuffle

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. Mia permalink
    April 4, 2010 1:05 pm

    Commenting on everything tasting gray. We would tell our patients to try anything lemon, Jolly Ranchers, and dill pickles. Some brands of dill pickle potato chips are so strong that they can make a non-chemo person make a face, so maybe they’d be strong enough to cut through all the grayness.

  2. April 4, 2010 1:12 pm

    Hmmm — my mother recommended deli type dill pickles for morning sickness, and it worked.

    One thing that made it easier was the thought that I knew I was going to get better. I know you are going to get better too. You are stronger than you know.

  3. poolagirl permalink
    April 4, 2010 1:21 pm

    This is for you, sweet lady.

  4. April 4, 2010 2:02 pm

    I love the shuffle and the warrior all rolled into one. It takes focus and perserverence to be a warrior… it takes freaking balls and a huge ability to stay in the moment even when it sucks to be a warrior. You rock lady and you inspire in your warrior shuffle!

  5. April 4, 2010 2:03 pm

    Just to say “hi” and hang in there. Maybe you could make one of those gold star charts like little kids get, you know a star for every day. Or you could do beads like they do for the child cancer patients here, one for each chemo, blood draw etc. Hugs Bels

  6. Gretchen permalink
    April 4, 2010 2:07 pm

    Oooh, I like anabels’ idea. Another bead on the necklace or whatever for every chemo. Or if I had a medal I’d give it to you. And someday, or probably already, this whole series of posts you’re doing about your treatment will make somebody else who has to go through it feel a little less alone.

  7. Donna permalink
    April 4, 2010 3:10 pm

    I stumbled onto your blog right before your diagnosis. I visit every day, but never commented because, I figured, what am I gonna say to you? But today I am moved to tell you I salute you. I salute the ‘Mildred’s Fatburgers’ shoutout on your banner, I salute your intrepid honesty and I salute your willingness to share with us, the great unwashed Internets, your story, your strength and your soul. And also your dog. I promise you that even when you feel alone, you are not alone. We are with you.

  8. April 4, 2010 6:26 pm

    Kathy – I can do the two step shuffle:) wanna go crazy and come dance with me on the days you are hopped up on steroids?:)

    You know I know you don’t think you are brave. But my God you are. You don’t have to write about what’s going on in your life. You could just sit by idly and not say a thing. But you don’t. You put yourself out there and that’s hard — you are vulnerable, and you just say it like it is. That’s what’s brave. That’s why we love you so much.

    So let us shuffle along with you, and yes Kathy you are our Cancer Warrior — you make me not be afraid of the things that I am afraid about.

    No really you do.

  9. Jenn permalink
    April 4, 2010 7:56 pm

    I am not commenting as much as I should be because I feel weird to not say the right thing or to try to be funny and wind up offending you, etc. Like, I think Bald is HAWT on you. Stuff like that.

    Anyway, I am here, even when I am not. You are so strong, I can’t even stand it!

  10. April 4, 2010 9:02 pm

    Sending some cancer ass kicking mojo. I’m trying my own mini-ass kicking of the flu. Strength in numbers.

  11. Kathy F. permalink
    April 4, 2010 9:43 pm

    You go, warrior girl! Keep shuffling along and you will win this battle! I’m praying for you.

  12. yaketyyak permalink
    April 5, 2010 4:30 am

    You definitely deserve a medal!

  13. April 5, 2010 8:04 am

    Hey, Girl, please know that I think about you every day. Take that afghan that I sent you a while back, cover up with it to take your naps, and know that I’m thinking about you. We’re Minnesotans – we HAVE to be tough!! And you are.

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