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Backed-Up F Word

April 10, 2010

Friends came over to hang out last night. Just like we used to, you know, before The Fucking Cancer.

And it was fun. I laughed so hard, my throat hurt (which then made me cry at 1 a.m. because I was sure that the sore throat was because I got sick and now will end up in the hospital that will then delay my chemo and this fucking nightmare that is cancer will never ever ever be the fuckety fuck fuck behind me. This is how I roll these days people. Cancer takes over every fucking facet of your life, and yes, I am really pissed off in this entry, which is weird because I’m not as pissed off as this sounds. I’m rather calm, actually.)

I woke up without a sore throat this morning. Thank you very fucking much. Get thee behind me, you fucking cancer.

You know what I think it is? I think I’ve been so beat down since  hearing that I have cancer, that I let my f word go away. And now I’m making up for lost fucking time.

This is who I am. I’m not sweet. I’m not demure. I’m not humble. I’m a person with a fucking larger than life personality, embellished with swear words.

So during last  night’s fun and festivities I took a bathroom break. Which is when I caught myself and my stupid bald head that was covered by a stupid hat in the mirror.

“What the hell?” I thought to myself.

Because, really, what in the hell am I doing with cancer? Not because I’m too good for cancer. It’s just so fucking ridiculous to have it.

I don’t want to be a “better person” because I’ve had cancer. I don’t want to be having fun with my friends and then get a reminder that I am a person having fun with my friends who have come over to make me laugh because I have cancer.

Not that we wouldn’t have gotten together if I didn’t have cancer. It’s just that now every fucking thing in my fucking life has a cancer aftertaste.

Okay then. Time to eat some lunch. Have a good day. Thanks for stopping by. Kiss kiss.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Marna permalink
    April 10, 2010 4:03 pm

    I am sitting next to 7 bald little girls who are having lunch – they are with their moms and all have some firm of cancer. Two of the girls around age 8 were stomping “something” on the ground. I said to their mom “Are they smashing a bug?” without missing a beat both girls said “we are smashing the crap out of our cancer” Their mom said it was a visual exercise. I smiled and said right on:) and the girls kep right on a smashin!!

  2. Floweer permalink
    April 10, 2010 7:06 pm

    Hope the day is ending better for you. I can arrange a chair – in the greenhouse – just you – some plants – sun – and the Twins on. Let me know.

    Are you up for company? Sending you good thoughts – and healthy hair follicles.

  3. fran permalink
    April 10, 2010 7:12 pm

    “It’s just that now every fucking thing in my fucking life has a cancer aftertaste.”

    Sadly, that is the exact sentiment that I felt and feel still almost all the time. Yeah, buh bye, kiss kiss. That too.

  4. April 11, 2010 10:05 am

    You might get some satisfaction by reciting my mantra. Usually I just mutter it under my breath, but I have been know to shout it at the top of my lungs. “SHITdamnfuck, shitDAMNfuck, shitdamnFUCK.” Shelby used it the other day when she realized she’d locked herself out of the house. Of course our next door (elderly and VERY proper) neighbor was outside when she said it. She said she could feel him staring at her. She just waved and said “Sorry.” {HUGS}

  5. April 12, 2010 3:41 pm

    HAaaaaaaaaaaa and ha. You let your f word go away!! Jeez you crack me up.

    My husband was coming back from a trip to Philadelphia yesterday and I told him to stop in Minneapolis and take you bowling. He said he didn’t have time because he had a date with some chick in North Dakota…bastard.

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