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High

April 19, 2010

Hopped up on steroids, I ran a few errands today but now I’m tired. Stupid steroids. My tolerance for them must be getting stronger each time.

Tomorrow morning I will be hog tied and brought to Chemo #3. I do not want to go.

I also don’t want cancer.

Sometimes I don’t get everything I want. Or don’t want.

Stomp stomp stomp.

As I was driving around today, I was thinking about all the things I’d done to give myself cancer. Because, you know, every time “they” surface with a study, it’s pretty much pointing the finger at what we did to ourselves to get The Cancer. Unlike the people who do or don’t do the exact same things but somehow manage to avoid getting The Cancer. Which leads me to believe that cancer is a frickin’ crapshoot. But that’s the sober side of me.

The irrational side of me did the following to give myself breast cancer:

  • Weighed too much
  • Drank Diet Coke
  • Didn’t exercise enough
  • Ate soy (I love veggie burgers!)
  • Used anti-persperant with aluminum in it
  • Drank water from a plastic bottle
  • Lived in a place where people pollute our ground water with weed killer
  • There was that time I slept with a jar of fireflies by my bedside. I bet they’re radioactive!
  • Drank too much alcohol in college
  • Didn’t take an aspirin a day
  • Had a negative attitude or did something very bad at one point in time, which according to Kirstie Allen & her religion, is going to turn on me one day and become The Cancer. I bet it was that time, in the 3rd grade, when I unzipped Kathy T’s dress. I don’t know what got into me. It zipped in the front and I just had to unzip it! I’m paying for it now!
  • Etc.
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19 Comments leave one →
  1. April 19, 2010 5:59 pm

    Definitely scary. I have quite a few items I could add to your list but now I’m paranoid.

    It makes you wonder if you’re still allowed to breathe.

    Hope the chemo goes as well as it can and hope it seriously kicks cancers ass.

    I’m glad you got a little baby squoshing in! (That’s so much fun.)

  2. April 19, 2010 6:35 pm

    I’ve been wanting a dress that unzips down the front….my husband..the older he get’s the lazier..so maybe it would help me. Er…wait…I’m not supposed to go to bed wearing a dress???

    Now you tell me.

  3. fran permalink
    April 19, 2010 6:35 pm

    I’ve had many of those irrational moments where I blamed myself for getting cancer. I, too, believe that it’s all a crap shoot but it’s crazy what this stupid disease does to us and makes us do to ourselves. Now, I’m just angry that it has even happened to me at all, I wish I didn’t know so much about cancer.

  4. April 19, 2010 6:35 pm

    Hoping chemo#3 goes really well, Kathy. Good for you for driving around. I haven’t driven since my chemo started in December and now that chemo’s over, I still can’t because my vision is completely wonky since chemo#5.

    As for giving ourselves cancer, I agree it’s random. I should be the poster child of good health (my insurance company actually reduced my rates this summer because my bloodwork and lifestyle were so impressive). The week I was diagnosed, I went for dinner with seven of my girlfriends. As I looked around the group and contemplated the much-quoted stat “1 in 8 women will get breast cancer” I was just absolutely stunned that, given our fitness levels and lifestyles, I would be the one in that eight. And I barely even have breasts!

    The good thing is, we don’t have it anymore! It’s gone and we’re taking steps to make sure it’s gone for good.

    Be well and be happy,
    Andrea

    • April 19, 2010 8:06 pm

      Andrea – it makes me so sad to think of how much freedom this stupid cancer has taken from you. It’s just not right. I wish for you lots of solo car trips!

      • April 20, 2010 9:44 am

        Lots of cancer-stuff has made me sad, but not this — I don’t like driving, so I was actually relieved for the excuse to walk or be passenger!

  5. April 19, 2010 6:55 pm

    Kath, I do the same thing every time I get a migraine or a cold.

    Go Forth tomorrow and … Fixify.
    I hope the next few days are easy.

    Fingers crossed.

  6. April 19, 2010 8:05 pm

    Do you commenters know how good you are for me? You are very good for me!

  7. April 19, 2010 8:18 pm

    I pretty well stopped reading those things that tell you how not to get cancer. I wonder which one of those things cause prostate cancer — the only one I’m sure I won’t get.

    Seriously, I haven’t seen anything that proves a thing. In the language of statistics, there isn’t any proof. “More likely” or 2% is not proof.

    Wish you a good day tomorrow. I think you have some fine nurses.

  8. Leslie permalink
    April 19, 2010 9:08 pm

    I always like the news flashes that change from day to day: a glass of wine very day is BAD, a glass of wine every day is GOOD; three cups of coffee a day are BAD, three cups of coffee a day are GOOD.

    I know it’s impossible not to second guess our decisions, but I think you’ve probably made some really great decisions along the way that have saved you from random bad things.

    And laughing at yourself prevents mental breakdowns and leprosy, you know ….

    Thinking of you!

  9. April 19, 2010 9:24 pm

    I agree, it’s a crap shoot! Heavy on the crap.

  10. April 19, 2010 10:19 pm

    I just love the way the medical community tries to blame the victim. My other friend with The Cancer, only eats organic. Doesn’t smoke. Probably wears only natural fibers. She got The Cancer. As a child, I lived across the street from a vegetable farm where the spray from the DDT blew in my face every day. I live next door to an electric power station. Candy is one of my food groups. I smoked for 20 years… so far, the boobs are doing just fine. It’s a total crap shoot.

    What I want to know, is where are the finger pointers at all those men who get prostate cancer? (pun intended). But seriously! Where is the blame and shame for them???

  11. Sue permalink
    April 20, 2010 6:39 am

    It’s just like heart attacks. Blame it on cholesterol, heredity, smoking, etc. How many serious fitness nuts, runners, joggers have keeled over dead from a heart attack? Never smoked, ate healthy, exercised and still the heart attack. I agree with milkmaid, just like cancer, a total crapshoot. That’s not to say you shouldn’t exercise & eat only potato chips & cheese. Just sayin.

    Also, I had a dress with a zipper down the front. I loved that dress. Fifth grade, turquoise with hot pink stripes. Every time I wore it I worried that someone would pull the zipper down!

    • April 20, 2010 7:26 am

      Sue –

      Had I been in 5th grade with you, I probably would have pulled that zipper down! On behalf of your fear – I’m sorry!

  12. judybeauty100 permalink
    April 20, 2010 8:22 am

    sorry about the weed killer!! but i dont have any weeds!!!! xoxoxo

  13. Suzi permalink
    April 20, 2010 1:59 pm

    Oh Crap! According to your list, I’m fucked!
    I’ll think about you tomorrow and wish calm, quiet, relaxing drip time.

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