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Down in the Hole

April 26, 2010

On Saturday I decided it was best to atrophy any muscles I had left in my body by staying in bed all damn day long. Who needs muscle mass when my brain had decided that I was going to get cancer all over again the minute I was done with my last chemo?

It was one of the slowest days of my life.

On Sunday I decided it was best to perhaps stop the muscle atrophy and move my pity party to the family room couch. At least I could atrophy while under the influence of high definition t.v.

My sister came over and brought us the best spaghetti and meatballs, ever. She stayed and chatted with me for a bit – I even sat at the kitchen counter for a bit. Which wore me out.

Don’t tell my oncologist, but I had a little beer with my spaghetti and meatballs. I figured, as long as my body as turning to mush – I might as well get drunk and enjoy it. I pretty much had 4 ounces of beer at the most. And it had flavor!

My lil brother and his lil wife brought over an emergency 12-pack of Welch’s grape soda for my youngest son.  Disaster avoided.

I have to do this 3 more times?

And then I’m going to get cancer all over again? (Can  you tell that somebody is suffering from a little bit of depression after her chemo this time around?)

It’s kind of hard to think positively when you’re feeling like crap.

It’ll be better. I know it will. I’m already sitting up at the computer, writing an entry, aren’t I?

14 Comments leave one →
  1. April 26, 2010 9:54 am

    Yes it will get better!

    My emotions sunk very very very low during the week following every single treatment (3 FEC, 3 Taxotere). By the sixth treatment, I had come to trust that I would stop the drop-of-a-hat crying, the mulling and pain from past hurts in a matter of days, once the chemical-induced depression was done. But that knowledge never stopped me from feeling down, stirring bad feelings, drop-of-a-hat crying.

    It will pass and you’ll be feeling like yourself again. Very soon.

    be well,

  2. April 26, 2010 9:57 am

    Yep you are! Keep your eyes peeled this week for mail:) You are doing a great job. I am really proud of you. For real!

  3. April 26, 2010 10:07 am

    All right, you know this already. Surgery has removed all the dangerous material and then some. You have a great oncologist. There are medications that are given post-chemo if there is any chance at all that something might recur.

    You are completely entitled to be “down in the hole” when your body is too busy fighting cancer and chemo to hold you upright. But keep in the back of your mind that (1)you will get better and (2) it is not coming back.

    And remember that we all love you and are sending the most positive thoughts your way.

  4. April 26, 2010 10:07 am

    Good for you – a little beer isn’t going to hurt! Don’t think the cancer is going to come back. Even though I do think about it every day, I try to keep the positive slant to it. I have three years survival, and I am planning more!

  5. Lena permalink
    April 26, 2010 10:38 am

    I agree with what l’empress said. She is a very wise woman.

  6. Gretchen permalink
    April 26, 2010 10:40 am

    I don’t think the cancer will come back, either. And I’m psychic, so I know these things. Or I think I know everything, is that the same thing?

  7. Leslie permalink
    April 26, 2010 11:37 am

    I’m sorry you’re dealing with depression on top of the chemo. Not fair!

    As far as the cancer coming back, all I know is that I have five friends who have had breast cancer over the past ten years, and every one of them is fine and living as active and productive lives as they were before the diagnosis.

  8. April 26, 2010 12:29 pm

    I know you had a tired day, and that’s okay!! Because your kick ass body is killing that nasty cancer right now. It’s scaring the crap out of it and it’s going to be too freakin’ petrified to come back and cause any trouble. Cancer is a bully. And you are standing up to it and it’s rolling over and wetting on itself right now like any bully. Even when you don’t feel like you are the cancer butt killer you are, you still are. Even when you’re tired, you’re still kicking it’s ass. If I were cancer, I’d be putting my tail between my legs and hitting the bricks. I’d be shriveling up like a grape in the sun. I’d be.. oh you get the idea! We ❤ you!

  9. April 26, 2010 3:09 pm

    There you are! Thank goodness. A day without a KitchenKate entry is a day without sunshine. And it’s been snowing up here since yesterday morning.

  10. Jennifer permalink
    April 26, 2010 8:55 pm


    My lack of posts are not for lack of reading. I remember feeling the way you do. While we are fighting the good fight we can see the monster right in front of us and when we kick that monsters ass (if you haven’t seen that it’s hilarious)

    sometimes it feels like…well now what?

    Keep fighting the good fight, your sense of humor is awesome and here is a little note for you that you may or may not have seen before:

    What Cancer Cannot Do
    Author: Unknown
    Cancer is so limited…
    It cannot cripple love.
    It cannot shatter hope.
    It cannot corrode faith.
    It cannot eat away peace.
    It cannot destroy confidence.
    It cannot kill friendship.
    It cannot shut out memories.
    It cannot silence courage.
    It cannot reduce eternal life.
    It cannot quench the Spirit.

    Rock on My Friend and email whenever you wish!


  11. Poolie permalink
    April 26, 2010 8:55 pm

    Glad the beer tasted good! I won’t tell a soul!

  12. April 27, 2010 7:35 am

    I hope you’re feeling better today…both physically and mentally…and a little bit of beer ain’t going to hurt anything. Now, if I have too much beer, I start thinking I’m the funniest bitch in the joint, but I can usually behave with a little bit. Feel better!!!!!

  13. April 27, 2010 8:38 am

    Well I’m glad you could taste the beer. I’m also glad you got out of bed. You are not going to get cancer all over again. You are going to get well.

  14. April 27, 2010 9:19 pm

    why do you think you’ll get cancer all over again? Did someone promise that to you?

    Oh, I remember those days…it’s the dark valley of hopelessness. I’m not sure where you’ll make the turnaround, but one day, I promise, you’ll realize it doesn’t matter, everyone’s life is uncertain, it’s just that you’ve become AWARE of the uncertainty of life and you’ll think, “I’m glad I’m done with that! What’s next…”

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