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Rules of Engagement

April 28, 2010

I love you people. You know I do, right? But I need to lay down some rules. Because I’m getting tired of how you people are wearing yourselves out with all the suggestions. It’s about you.  Not about me. Stop the following, please. I beg of you. Nip it. In the advice bud. Because if you don’t, I’m going to stop writing and then how will you entertain yourselves?

  • I don’t want wig suggestions. I am irritated by wig suggestions. Do you read me? Do you not know me by now? I don’t want to wear a wig. Wigs are uncomfortable. Wigs are fussy. I don’t want to fuss. Don’t I have enough shit to deal with let alone worry if my hair is fucking askew? And? I don’t give a rat’s ass if someone sees my bald showing from under my ball cap. If someone is that offended, somebody needs to have a woman’s bald head shoved in front of their eyeballs every 30 seconds or more. Bald Headed Woman Therapy.
  • I don’t want scarf suggestions. I don’t want to wear a scarf. Unless I feel like wearing a scarf. And if I feel like wearing a scarf, I’ll only wear the scarf I want to wear. Scarves are fussy pieces of crap and they make me look like Rhoda. I don’t want to look like Rhoda. I love Rhoda, it’s one of my all-time favorite t.v. shows but the ’70s are dead and I am  not.
  • If I say I look like Tony Soprano or Uncle Fester, do not tell me that it is not so and that I am so very very very fucking pretty. Because you are telling me that my feelings are unacceptable. I feel like Uncle Fester looks. Don’t tell me that I don’t look that way because you are telling me that I am wrong. Do you like to be told that you are wrong? (Think about this entry. How does it make you feel?) And no, if I wore a wig or a fucking scarf, it wouldn’t make me feel like I didn’t look like Uncle Fester. Because I do look like Uncle Fester to me. Uncle Fester with a wig.
  • If you  love Jesus, and I know alot of you do because you are prayering for me day in and day out, know that I’m somewhat sure Jesus was a very nice man. Afterall, there were alot of very nice stories told about him. That being said. I do not believe that Jesus is my lord and savior. Do not force your beliefs on me.  Do not knit (or crochet) for me a prayer shrug that will allow me to wrap myself in the arms of Jesus. However, if you are going to do this, know that I appreciate that you believe the arms of Jesus are turquoise.
  • Addendum to the Rules of Engagement: If you don’t love Jesus, please don’t feel the need to share with me the doctrine of your people. My blog is not the place for religious teachings. You are going to feel offended because I’m going to have to continue to speak up on my own behalf. I don’t do religion. The end.

Alrighty then. Bitching over.

16 Comments leave one →
  1. Beth permalink
    April 28, 2010 2:02 pm

    You know, one always wonders what to say to someone who is experiencing their own personal hell on earth. I appreciate having you point out what ISN’T helpful.

    Also, I also personally think Tony Soprano is hot (this pains my husband greatly).

    • April 28, 2010 3:31 pm

      I’m sure this isn’t the case for every person under the duress of cancer. Don’t let me be your poster child for what not to do when attempting to support a person with breast cancer.

  2. Rosie permalink
    April 28, 2010 2:31 pm

    Well shit. And here I was going to send you a gorgeous silk scarf from Thailand, AND I was going to order you a hat from this website.

    WTF am I supposed to do now? (Yeah, like I even have the postage right now, much less the money for the hat! *LOL*)

    OH! I just thought of something regarding your post with the roses…feel free to go to my Flickr pages and use/abuse any of the flower pics there if you want, they are all from my garden and I took ’em. If you want larger files of any of them, I can certainly send them to you.

    If nothing else, enjoy the pic of the bikers having breakfast and sipping their tea/coffee with their pinkies in the air. They were such good sports.

    Oh, and about the neighbor, maybe if you upgrade them to something other than Arbor Mist, she may stop with the exhibitionist tendencies…or not. It does make great blog fodder though. I was afraid that you had experienced something like the people at :25 in this video

    There. I think that catches me up on all of the comments I’ve been saving up, and no matter who you think you look like, we still love you.

  3. Trice permalink
    April 28, 2010 2:57 pm

    I respect that you don’t to wear a wig or a scarf, but… have you considered painting your head in the colors of your favorite team? Then you wouldn’t even need a hat.

  4. April 28, 2010 3:33 pm

    HAHA! Fuckers always with the advice! You need to do one of these entries every couple of days because they’re not scared enough of you, Kathy. Start every entry with shut the fuck up about (insert advice from yesterday here)!

  5. April 28, 2010 3:45 pm

    Don’t forget the sunscreen in the leg hole parts. I forgot to mention that. 😛

    I’m now off to come up with some advice to piss you off so you have stuff to write about. Cuz we know there’s a severe lack of That.

    (Oh, and HUGS!)

    • April 28, 2010 3:46 pm

      You do remember that I know where you live, right?

      • April 28, 2010 4:26 pm

        I’ll give you a buck if you wear underwear on your head to Target.

        Two bucks if you wear a wig.

        (/going home to pack up the house Quick.)

      • April 28, 2010 5:42 pm

        Oh, if only I knew how to make a lampshade out of skinny people!

  6. dan permalink
    April 28, 2010 8:28 pm

    love ya kid your kicking some ass allison would be proud

  7. Lena permalink
    April 28, 2010 8:48 pm

    Whoops! No more comments from me I guess. I have been thoroughly put in MY place. Sorry.

  8. judy permalink
    April 28, 2010 8:54 pm

    GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!! xoox

    • April 28, 2010 10:24 pm

      Remember how you told me that your friend went through this very bitchy period of her life, Judy? I totally get where she was coming from and I appreciate that it’s just part of the stupid process. Hugs.

  9. April 29, 2010 1:13 am

    well said.

  10. eileensc permalink
    April 29, 2010 11:01 pm

    For the record, Uncle Fester is my favorite member of the Adams Family. If you could do that thing with the light bulb in your mouth I would love you forever. Not that I don’t already. No advice, no suggestions, just some Uncle Fester love.

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