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Chemo Sabes and Eyesight

May 2, 2010

Dear Chemo Sabes:

Did any of you have vision problems while on chemo? I read that during the days where your red and white blood cells take a nose dive, you dry up and this can cause a blurriness to your vision. Which I have. Anybody else or am I the One Blind Mice?

Just another fun day with cancer.

My arm refuses to unswell, no matter how much I think “shrink, you motherfucker”  (I can’t get into the therapist until Wednesday) but I got a solid 8 hours of sleep last night (that’s rare these days, even with the sleeping pill) and so far, it looks less swollen then yesterday. Which is good because the swelling causes pressure, and that’s irritating. And when I feel irritated, I become irritating.

I’m getting worried that I can’t sleep more than 4 hours without taking a sleeping pill. I’m worried that I’ll have to start upping my dosage just so I can lay in bed. Next thing you know, I’ll being drinking my ambien out of a mason jar at night and finding myself on Dr. Phil. Where  he will yell at me and my entire family. He’s quite the asshole when it comes to drug addiction. Which is a disease. That I finally now believe is a disease because we have it in our house. (Even though I grew up in a house with an alcoholic father, I never saw it as a “disease” because the day my father decided to quit drinking, he did – and never drank again) But Dr. Phil treats it like it’s a character flaw and he treats everyone involved like shit. Way to go “Doctor”.

By the way, do you think that might have something to do with my being so bitchy while under duress of cancer? The fact that we’re dealing with our son’s drug addiction at the same time?

Remember that when you judge how bitchy I am these days, will ya? I don’t want your sympathy. I just want you to THINK. Because my cancer is lower on my things to worry about than my worries about my son. But worrying about my son makes dealing with my cancer more difficult. And therefore, I become more bitchy. I have to put myself aside at certains times and muster through some other things (that I’m obviously not going to go into detail here or even write about again – because it’s a very touchy subject – that exposes my son) And I can’t complain about them here – which may be why I whine so much about my cancer. My cure rate is high. His cure rate is low and much more life-threatening than my stupid cancer.

I also think my son’s drug addiction has something to do with the fact that I’m unwilling to accept that my cancer is curable and unlikely to recur. I get that the odds are in my favor. But right now, while we’re dealing with two diseases in the house, I find it hard to internalize.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. Poolie permalink
    May 2, 2010 9:27 am

    Your insights about your son are spot on. He must slay his dragons every day. You are an excellent teacher fir him. I wish your whole family peace and blessings.

  2. May 2, 2010 10:02 am

    Kathy you are smarter than you give yourself credit for. There’s so much about myself I am learning in my own treatment. (Fuck did I just say that outloud and out myself?) Listen to your inner thoughts grasshopper your spidey sense regarding your kid is not often wrong.


    thank you.

  3. Paula permalink
    May 2, 2010 10:12 am

    It IS a disease, it is a FAMILY disease, it is a HIDEOUS disease and Dr. Phil is an ASSHOLE.

  4. May 2, 2010 2:51 pm

    Well, Dr Phil would certainly know a character flaw if he saw one. He lost his private practice due to an “inappropriate relationship” with a patient. So take everything Dr. Phil says with a big honkin’ canister of salt. The man was counseling people on how to behave on the witness stand so the jury will like you when Oprah found him.

  5. Diane permalink
    May 3, 2010 6:38 am

    I don’t remember any problems with my eyesight back then. BTW we will be y9our way around the 10th of June. I’ll be even more accurate as we get closer!

  6. Gretchen permalink
    May 3, 2010 8:50 am

    I would be bitchy all the freakin’ time if I was going through treatment, and arm swelling, and the baldness. Geez, I’d be lucky to have a friend or a husband left at the end of it all.

  7. May 3, 2010 10:46 am

    The eye doctor I was going to at the time told me that chemo tends to dry your eyes (maybe inhibit your tear production?). He recommended some over-the-counter eyedrops, and they worked a little, but I had a greater problem.

    The eye doctor I went back to told me that, if you have the beginnings of cataracts, chemo might make them grow faster. He also mentioned that a lot of oncologists don’t want to mention that. (Mine suggested that my diabetes might be causing my eye problems… My diabetes was and is under control.)

    I never judge your “bitchiness.” If that’s the way you cope, fine. Go ahead and complain.

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