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Going Nowhere

May 16, 2010

Yesterday afternoon I looked up the number of the golden retriever rescue group, where we’d originally gotten Stella Mirra, and clicked on the “surrender” button. Just to plan. She’s not getting what she needs here. It’s not up to anyone but me. I’m the one who wanted her.

I woke up every 2 hours last night, sobbing.

It feels like there is no light at the end of my tunnel.

What the scientists need to do is take this chemo, reverse it and they’ll have their anti-depressant, because what this shit does to mess up the brain is unbelievable.

I’ve been sick today, physically sick. And emotionally sick. Too much on my pile. (If I were “only” dealing with my cancer right now, I might not feel like I’m drowning) I’d decided that I deserve a break from that stupid arm wrap.   I am naked on my right arm. And the swelling hasn’t taken over my body so I’ll let it stay bare naked until it’s time to go to bed. I may have slowed down my progress by, what, a couple of hours? But I’ve stopped crying and I think I see a little bit of light ahead. June 2nd and June 22nd and then enough of this crap. I bought baseball tickets for the end of July. They were expensive. I plan on going.

Now I have to figure out how to get through my son’s 18th birthday (June 5), his high school graduation (June 10) and his graduation party (June 19).

Worst year, ever. Shouldn’t have been. This should have been his best year, ever. I owe him for what I’ve taken from him. Not that he’d expect it. It’s just that something fantastic has to come out of all the stuff we’ve been dealt in this family.

Also? Stella is going nowhere. Stella is getting exactly what she needs here. She doesn’t know any better. I’d be more demanding if I were a dog. I couldn’t get rid of her.  Now that big damn kitty who always has to lay on my legs or try and bite the arm wrap off? If I had a rescue number for her, I might just use it.

15 Comments leave one →
  1. May 16, 2010 4:33 pm

    {{{hug}}} I know this is rotten. It’s awfully hard to think “this shall pass” when it’s happening right now.

    Sometimes you have to ask the therapists about something “old-fashioned,” and see what they think. Before the days of wrapping a swollen arm, they used to recommend that you keep the arm elevated. Can you lift it higher than your shoulder? Could you rest it on something and keep it high for, say, ten minutes to start? I’m not there, I don’t know what you can do.

    Keep the dog nearby. There is nothing more comforting than a Lab when you don’t feel well. (One of the feral cats had babies while I was sick, and my daughter “borrowed” them for me to hold for half an hour. They were so tiny, and so lovable.)

    Remember, we are all thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

    • May 16, 2010 8:03 pm

      I think that helps, Harriet. To lay with my arm up high. And thank you so much for saying it’s hard to remember that this shall pass when it’s happening right now. Hugs.

  2. Leslie permalink
    May 16, 2010 6:07 pm

    Ugh! Sometimes it just all hits you at once, and the middle of the night is prime time for everything to seem worse than ever. I’m really sorry you are having to go through all of this; it does sound like a worst year ever. Actually, I hope it IS your worst year ever, and the ones to come will be a payback to you from the fates for having had to deal with way too much this go round.

    Your son seems to have the same quirky spirit you do – he will have a wonderful birthday and graduation, no matter what. At worst, it will be fodder for some good stories when you are well and life returns to what it should be.

    And it will.

    Really thinking of you a lot.

  3. poolagirl permalink
    May 16, 2010 6:54 pm

    You have already given your son the best gift he could receive – you.

  4. May 16, 2010 8:41 pm

    I agree with Poolie and please just keep trying to take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly. Also, Stella loves her life with you – don’t beat yourself up if she can’t be walked for a mile every day or something equally exhausting – for me, not Stella! Dogs love to just hang around too!

  5. May 16, 2010 9:31 pm

    If anyone deserves a damn break this year it’s you. Kathy do only what you can do, don’t do anymore. And hell yes it’s super hard to think “this too shall pass” when it’s happening right now. You know girl we all love you so effing much if any of us could take any of this crap away from you, you know we’d all do it in a Mississippi minute.

    Your dog loves the crap out of you and you love her — let her be a comfort to you, and you can cry and vent and she will just cock her head at you and lick you because that’s what dogs do best.

    hugs sweetheart.

  6. Floweer permalink
    May 17, 2010 7:40 am

    I will be at Thing 2’s party – as your kitchen staff. That is just how it is gonna be. I have a dandy apron. I hope that today is going better. Stella is fine.

  7. Fran permalink
    May 17, 2010 9:21 am

    My old dog was there for me when I was sick and could do very little for him. He seemed to know that I was sick and when he sensed that I was better, he died. It really is great to think that he waited until I no longer needed his love and comforting, as if, after all we’ve given him, this was the least he could do for us, but he gave US so, so much more. They say that dogs can smell cancer, who knows?

  8. May 17, 2010 9:48 am

    I really know what you are going through, and it is impossible to even hope things will change, but they will. Cancer is a bi*%h about wrecking your life at an important time. I’m sorry about that.

    In the long run, the joy will be when you are cancer free and healthy again. All this for everyone will be forgotten. Honest.

  9. May 17, 2010 9:53 am

    This has been an awful time for you, and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. You have given your son your love and humor, and are showing him that families can get through awful and terrible times and come out on the other end and be okay. Having just stewed in a big pot of pity I forgot that I would eventually get through it, and then, I did, and I believe that you will too, but I know it is hard, and sometimes you just take things an hour at a time.

    Can you let all the people who love you help you with the graduation and party? They want to help you so much (I know that is another hard thing, at least it was for me…) but it makes them feel good too.

    So you just do what you gotta do – which is finish up the chemo and get well and continue to love your family and friends. That’s it.

  10. Bec. permalink
    May 17, 2010 10:31 am

    I would be willing to foster her for you. It would involve a road trip but I could figure it out? Just keep that in mind. Shhh, don’t let my husband know. It would have to be a surprise for him.

    Chanting FU!FU! FU! for you.

  11. Gretchen permalink
    May 17, 2010 11:21 am

    I’m sorry, I hope today is a little better.

  12. Sue permalink
    May 17, 2010 11:57 am

    Last year, June 4th to be exact, my husband suffered a traumatic brain injury. He cuts trees for a living and a small log fell from 20 ft in the air and hit him on his head. He had just taken his hardhat off to wipe the sweat from his bald head. He had 7 fractures in his skull, bleeding on the brain, had to undergo plastic surgery 2 weeks later to plate the broken bones in his face and then had his jaw wired shut for 3 weeks. When he first came home from the hospital, he was still in pretty rough shape and our 2 dogs (1 big, 1 little) would not leave him alone!!! I should’ve capitalized that because they were truly a pain in our asses! After a couple days of constant yelling at them, I told my husband I was going to board them at our local kennel for about a week until he was feeling a little better. He didn’t want me to, he said “We’ll just deal with them”. They must have heard us talking because they immediately settled down and were not constantly in his face our under our feet.

    I’m sorry you’re having a rough time with the arm and the chemo effects. Sending healing thoughts your way.

  13. May 17, 2010 1:35 pm

    You just woke me up. I’ve been sitting around whining for two weeks about poor me I hate not working blah blah blah, while you and many more just like you would love to be sitting here in my kitchen with hardly a worry in the world. I’m getting off my ass right now and start over. Maybe volunteer at a hospital or take homeless dogs for a walk at the Humane Society.

    Thanks Kathy….. nobody has ever kicked balonies ass before without even trying.

    I see better weeks ahead of you; and with your spirit and sense of humor I believe it will be so.

  14. May 18, 2010 8:44 am

    All I can do is send my love to you — and I’m sending plenty!

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