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The Friday the 13th that I Am

May 23, 2010

For so many years I’ve felt so danged lucky. But this cancer has smacked the lucky right out of me. I’m feeling like the Friday the 13th I was born on.

Remember that seroma I was going to get an ultrasound on, on Friday? I got the ultrasound, alright, but it’s not a seroma. It’s a dark spot of who-knows-what, so I’ll be waiting to hear back from the doctor’s office about going back to the breast clinic for another ultrasound guided needle biopsy. So they can rule out a tumor before I go completely mad.

The radiologist, who came down to the ultrasound room in the hospital, after the ultrasound tech saw the dark spot (1.1 cm) and said it’s probably something post-op. Maybe a hematoma or some other such thing that he didn’t name (because I’m sure he was just making stuff up to make me feel better over the weekend. I wish he’d come up with more options for me to not fuss over.).

I think that a couple of months back when I mentioned this lump to the oncologist, and she said it was a seroma, we weren’t talking about the exact same area. Or perhaps this black spot isn’t in an area either of us talked about. I didn’t ask the radiologist exactly where the black spot was because I was trying no to cry and I didn’t even think to ask that question until this morning.

This cancer crap isn’t for sissies. Too bad I’m a sissy because I spent alot of Friday afternoon and evening feeling pretty danged sorry for myself. At one point in the evening, The Big Nugget said, “The Eels are going to be at First Avenue in October.” I love the Eels. I love concerts at First Avenue (especially when my nephew is working) but I said, “I probably won’t be alive in October so don’t buy any tickets, unless you want to go with somebody else.”

All drama, all the time. I wasn’t lying.

I can’t even think, “I’ve had enough,” anymore¬†because I do, and then I seem to get more piled on. I’m nervous to even post this entry because I’m thinking it might be an invitation to bring it on by whoever is in charge of dishing out the bringing on.

Oh how I’d like to have a little toe-to-toe with that person.

***

Thankfully my friend and neighbor, Judy Beauty, got me outside yesterday for some fun. I’d asked her to take me out so that we could go shopping for some new hats. Some not baseball hats. And we found six of them at Macy’s and JCPenney’s. All on sale. Most of them newsboy-styled hats, which I didn’t think of before but now that I have them – I feel so much better about running around with a hat on. I went to the grocery store already and didn’t think about who might be looking at my bald head.

Thank you Judy!

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. May 23, 2010 1:59 pm

    Point of view, point of view. My tumor was removed on Friday the 13th about six years ago. Except for a nasty nosebleed (because the surgeon didn’t pay any attention to the fact that I have HHT), everythng went well. Then again, I had no doubt that I was going to get better. So are you.

  2. Gretchen permalink
    May 23, 2010 3:07 pm

    WTF? That spot is nothing. There was probably a fly on the lens of whatever it was they used to look at you. Pffft. Nothing. Really, really hope you catch a break soon.

  3. May 23, 2010 3:18 pm

    i’ll be happy to run interference with the nasty commenters for you. i am normally a very pleasant person who goes out of their way to be nice and helpful, but i was called “the meanest woman alive” by an attorney friday. i think it’s the menopause effing with me.

    have a good sunday (i guess all the nice isn’t gone)!

  4. Poolie permalink
    May 23, 2010 6:25 pm

    Holding the light for you, sweetie. When this is all over, I want you to fly to San Diego for a bathroom interview, okay?

  5. Fran permalink
    May 23, 2010 7:00 pm

    …one. day. at. a. time….

  6. dan permalink
    May 23, 2010 9:11 pm

    hey I’m busy in oct so get the tickets

  7. May 24, 2010 12:07 am

    I am so jealous of all your friends who live close and get to come over and take you out and do things with you. I feel so useless, this far away! Thank you to your sister and your friends who are supporting you in ways that I would like to be able to do, too. I’m glad they’re there.
    Wish there was something uplifting I could think of to say. That’s the least I should be able to do! But I know there are going to be crappy days when you are sick and tired of the whole damn thing, and I don’t blame you one bit. It’s probably normal as hell.
    Only I figure I know you well enough to be pretty sure those days won’t last long, because you are one FEISTY person and that piss ‘n’ vinegar nature of yours will lift you up soon, all by itself. Just you watch.

  8. yaketyyak permalink
    May 24, 2010 4:43 am

    You have every right to feel sorry for yourself, or angry, or whatever you’re feeling. This whole thing really sucks.

  9. Floweer permalink
    May 24, 2010 6:37 am

    Not fair. Answers should be given – no matter what. Should not matter that the weekend is here. This is about what is going on with you – and your treatment – and your family – and your healing – and your mental health. We can get a car diagnosed and fixed in a day. I will keep you in my heart.
    Love ya!

  10. May 24, 2010 8:06 am

    You have every right for your feelings. You are going through hell on earth. Sending you good thoughts and lots of hugs. It probably doesn’t help in your lowest points, but I understand what you are going through.

  11. May 24, 2010 8:40 am

    YAY for newsboy hats! I’m sure it helps not to worry about being stared at. As for the rest of it, I’m still sending you all the best of thoughts. I can’t begin to imagine how hard things are for you right now. Cancer sucks — and I hate that you’re having to deal with this. I wish I could come over for some hugs, or whatever.

  12. Leslie permalink
    May 24, 2010 9:51 am

    I hope you get some good news, and soon.

    Buy the tickets … it will be the first of many concerts for you.

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