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Least Favorite, By Choice

July 20, 2010

My mother is making it very difficult for me to not blog about her when she’s doing things like asking me for advice about her lady parts and delivering expired foods to my brother’s house (while asking him about her lady parts.)

How can I leave the best blog fodder behind?

Did I ever tell you about the time I hid a can of King Oscar’s Fish Balls in her cupboard?

My mother is a food hoarder. Lordgodalmighty, that woman is a food hoarder. She goes to the grocery store every day. Often times she goes to more than one grocery store in one day. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I went to Cub and Festival grocery stores yesterday. But only because Cub didn’t have fresh dill. Nowhere. Not even the produce guy knew where the fresh dill was.

The difference between my mother and me (one of many, please?) is that I like to cook while my mother refuses to cook. The only time she cooked, when I was growing up, was when her parents came to visit us. I think she was trying to fool them that she was the cooking sort of mom. She was not. She also tried to fool them into thinking that we went to mass every Sunday. I shut that show down when I was about 14 and said on a Sunday when Grandma & Grandpa were visiting, “Why do we only go to church when Grandma & Grandpa are here?”

So my mother, she does not cook. She reheats on a good day. Mostly she just likes to buy things that come from the bakery or produce sections of the grocery stores she frequents.

She has so much food that she doesn’t eat. And she hates to throw it away because that would be wasteful. Instead she shoves it into the corners of her refrigerator and her cupboards, bringing it out eventually, to give to my little brother and his wife (and on occasion, a little something for us.) This is why I’m thankful that my little brother is her favorite child and I am her least favorite child.

And if she argues that I am wrong, I insist that she continue to treat me as her least favorite.

So. King Oscar’s Fish Balls.

My dad had bought a can of balls of fish back when I was in high school or junior high. Doesn’t matter. Right before I left for college, I put the can in back of a cupboard and checked on it from time to time (I left for college in the fall of 1977) forgetting about it pretty much right after I went to college.

In 1989, after my first son was born, I was at her house, going through her cans of food (I used to sneak them into the garbage bin the night before her trash pick up) and found the can of King Oscar’s Fish Balls.

The fish balls had eaten through the can and it was stuck in a black, hardened goop.

The end.

But only because I can’t remember what happened after I discovered that hell. I do believe it is repressed into the corners of my mind.

Misty watered colored fish balls, of the way we were.

I should go to therapy just to unleash that beast of a story.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. July 20, 2010 4:17 pm


    • July 20, 2010 5:23 pm

      No. Fish balls. Fish in the shape of a ball and then stuffed into a can. Goes well with cans of potatoes! 😉

  2. goatbarnwitch permalink
    July 20, 2010 4:36 pm

    I am very tired and stressed and the term “fishballs” is either very amusing or very disturbing… I just came in from visiting with a somewhat horney male goat so you can guess this is going in all the wrong directions…. should I ask what they really are?

  3. Fran permalink
    July 20, 2010 5:09 pm

    I think I’m turning into your mother. I’ve been finding old cans and boxes in the pantry that I swear I “just bought”. The other day I found a cake mix that expired in 2008…not too bad. Oy! I used it anyway…it was fine, I even got compliments.

  4. poolagirl permalink
    July 20, 2010 6:26 pm

    Kind of like meatballs…..only fishier.

  5. Agent99 permalink
    July 20, 2010 7:24 pm

    Fish balls eating through a metal can — is this an example of the power of lutefisk?

  6. Suzi permalink
    July 20, 2010 8:44 pm

    Who knew fish had balls?? 😉

  7. Rosie permalink
    July 20, 2010 11:20 pm

    Your mom and my mom would love each other! My Mom still has the pork loin from October 7, 1987 in her freezer, and by god, we make sure it gets saved every time one of us cleans the freezer.

  8. July 21, 2010 9:05 am

    Oh. Just. WOW. First, fish balls… ?!?!?!??!?! No, thanks. And secondly, having eaten through metal?! Yikes. That’s almost as bad as the pumpkin lady on Hoarders.

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