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Oh, That’s How My Ass Got So Fat

July 28, 2010

I just finished filling out about 10 pages of a survey from the nutritionist I’ll be meeting with on Friday. I had to do it twice. I had to do it a second time because the first time I filled it out I left out a whole lot of honesty about what I eat and when I eat it.

Hence the belly.

If you lie to yourself about what you’re eating and how often you’re it eating it, this could explain how you turned around one day and said, “Hey! When did I get so fat?”

In my own defense, I was confused about how to answer the questions because I’ve already changed my eating habits since the stupid cancer made me change my eating habits and then scared me into changing my eating habits.

I e-mailed it back with my old eating habits but am printing out a copy with notations about things I’ve changed. Who knew it would be so difficult to fill out paperwork with what you eat and all sorts of symptoms?

Yesterday, while running hither and yon, as I do each and every day of my life (I am a shuttle service and if we don’t get another car soon for our youngest, I am going to go insane!) I stopped at the Sears near downtown St. Paul. A Sears that hasn’t been remodelled since the late 70s, is what I’m guessing.

What a dump!

I went to look at a rack of shirts, moved one hangar and the entire rack fell down to the floor, missing my feet by mere inches.

I continued shopping, killing time and found a pair of shorts that I tried on after stepping over a rack on the floor that some asshat caused and just let lay there (ahem) then got in line to pay for them. I was behind one guy. And I had to go to the bathroom. Also, I was going to be late in picking up one of my children. The sales clerk asked him if he’d like to apply for a Sears charge card. “It’ll only take a minute,” she said.

“Okay,” he replied.


Homeboy took over 5 minutes to fill out the form. Who gets a Sears charge card anymore?

I finally got my turn, bought my stupid shorts (that are almost too big for me even though they are a size smaller than what Iwas wearing 6 months ago, which makes me wonder if Sears buys clothing with mislabeled sizes) and found their dump of a bathroom (ew?), which I used because I am forever pee’ing now that I’m drinking all this damned water, while my cellphone rang on account of now I was late picking up one of my shuttlees, and why can’t my life just be a piece of cake anymore?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. July 28, 2010 1:26 pm

    You could make a million if you told people about your revelation! Actually, not. It’s so hard to get people to look at what they eat HONESTLY. I totally know why I am fat, and it’s because I don’t watch what I eat and I never exercise. BUT. I am not in denial about the fact that I am fat.

    Anyhoo, who DOES get Sears credit cards anymore?? And what’s up with department store bathrooms being so damn nasty? I decided one day to use the bathroom inside the Macy’s at Rhode Island’s fancy-dancy mall with the theory that since less people are using it (compared to the mall restrooms on the first floor), it would be cleaner. WRONG ANSWER. The Macy’s bathroom even looked filthy, and it stank like pee so strongly that I tried my best not to breathe while I was in there. The bathroom on the first floor, used by everyone who visits downtown Providence, was SO much cleaner. And fresher-smelling. AND had those nifty Dyson hand dryers. Love those things.

  2. July 28, 2010 1:54 pm

    Nobody’s size labels can be believed any more. We’ve been going through this regularly, especially when U.D. buys something that turns out to be a little tight — but “can you wear this, Mom?” But without exercise I’m getting a little rounder myself.

    However, only yesterday my doctor told me my cholesterol is good. Despite the chicken cooked in its skin. Despite all the ice cream I eat.

    That Sears needs a letter, reminding them that holding up a line to let one person do paperwork is not good customer service. Be sure to send a copy to corporate headquarters.

  3. July 28, 2010 2:06 pm

    we are supposed to do that at the Depot, too, and I hate it. We are all supposed to get at least one credit per week, and so far I have none. I just hate making people wait in line, and I don’t often cashier when it’s slow, so that kind of leaves me out. Plus I think people in the US need to use credit cards less, and it’s kind of against my principles to even offer it to them.

  4. July 28, 2010 5:54 pm

    well, was your life ever a piece of cake? Cake is one of the foods that = fat. All I had was several pieces of flourless chocolate cake with whipped cream and now…flabby middle, cellulite thighs. But if I’m honest, I’m not exercising and sit way too much.

    Fat attaches itself in such unattractive places…actually there are no attractive places for fat. My breasts haven’t grown back yet. I keep waiting…

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