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Rain Makes Corn

August 6, 2010

Forgive me, dear readers, for I have sinned.

I ate a hot dog bun with my hot dog yesterday.

I almost made it an entire week without eating a carb that my nutritionist told me I shouldn’t eat.

But you know what? I’m sick of eating hamburgers without buns, and hot dogs without buns, and peanut butter sandwiches without bread.

I get that carbs turn to sugar, sugar turns to fat, rains makes corn, corn makes whiskey, whiskey makes me throw up – unable to get frisky (thank god).

When in the hell did I get this funny? Did the chemo open up a funny portal in my brain that  had been closed before? Thank you cancer! Because I’d rather be funny than healthy.

Shit. Did I just jinx myself?

After I had that hot dog bun I went back and forth from being mad at myself to being mad at the stupid nutritionist who should have designed a diet that included buns with my burgers and dogs. And she should have also designed smaller supplements. That Omega 3 thing is bigger than my esophagus.

Last night, around 10 p.m., I kept thinking of the ice cream in our freezer. Hell, I’d had a hot dog bun, might as well screw up the day and start again tomorrow. But then I realized that I need to be stronger than my addiction to food. I’ve got a kid battling his addiction to other substances and he was doing okay last night so I figured I could do okay last night, too.

Today I might give him some money and send him on his way because that ice cream is already calling out to me this morning!

Okay. It’s not. I just thought that was kind of funny and I can’t seem to stop the chemo-opened portal.

I’m getting funny, just like my mom.

Lord. That’s  not good.

Speaking of my mom, she called yesterday. When I see her number on caller ID, I take a deep breath before I pick up because I know it’s going to be a whole lot of her hyperspewing what she has to say, with nary a break for me to respond. I always go back and forth about sharing our conversations on my blog because it’s really kind of mean. But last week my sister said I should blog more about mom and she’s my big sister, so she must know what’s right. Right?

I’m blaming this on her. Just like the time I jumped on the bed and it broke. Our parents came running in, “What the hell?” And I said, “Jayne did it!” And they believed me because I weighed about 8 lbs., at age 9, while Jayne was HUGE – and had wiry brown hair & cat glasses to my cute little blonde self. But that’s another story for another time.

Me: Hello?

Mom: Hello my beautiful lovely smart and talented daughter. How are you today? I was at Geneva’s and then Janet came over and then Nancy came over and it was so much fun, they are so funny, and we decided that next time you should come over because we had so much fun. I just love them, don’t you? They are so funny! I don’t even think they know you’re bald. Would you come over if we got together again? It was so much fun.

Me: I…

Mom: I had so much fun at Jayne’s cabin and I didn’t even see Zach. That Jayne, she cooked two dozen eggs and lunch and dinner for all of those boys and then Rod took the boys on the pontoon and I just love that baby! blah blah blah blah blah. I’ve got so many birthdays this month, what is with this month and so many birthdays? Blah blah blah blah blah. Edith made these Ukranian crescent shaped things with really dry cottage cheese and chives in them, they weren’t those pierogies but they were really really really good – and they had really dry cottage cheese and chives in them and then she made these chicken cutlets with egg and milk and crumbs, and I don’t eat chicken – I hate chicken…

Me: How…

Mom: But I ate the chicken and it was delicious so I asked Edith if I could take some home so I took a couple home and I fried them up and they were delicious! Can you believe it? I ate chicken. I don’t know what happened but maybe because the chicken was so thin. And I suppose I should let you go, you’re tired.

Me: I didn’t say I was tired.

Mom: Well, I’m tired, so I’ll let you go. I love you, you beautiful smart lovely and talented daughter! I love you I love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you! *click*

Me: God. I’m so tired all of a sudden.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. August 6, 2010 10:00 am

    Egad, your mom made me forget what I was going to write! What were you writing about…

    I know that not all carbs are equal, even when you read the nutritional information on the box. I compared two boxes of pasta; the information was identical. But if I ate one brand for supper, my sugar would be high the next morning. If I ate the other one — same size serving — my sugar would be normal.

    Unfortunately, you can’t learn this stuff from anything printed, because everyone has an agenda. (Which is why I didn’t mention the actual brand names.) You have to do it all by trial and error, although maybe your dietician can make some recommendations.

    I will repeat, the best “bad” food does not raise my sugar a lot. And it’s ice cream, not sherbet or low-fat or frozen yogurt. Just saying’.

  2. August 6, 2010 4:06 pm

    I recommend the “Eat This, Not That” series of books…very fun to read and lots of pictures! They recommend Martin’s Potato Rolls as they have fiber (surprisingly). I’m trying to do as you are…giving up the Pepsi and eating better, so I’m tracking nutrition and exercise on (which is a pretty cool website). Some days I just I want something that I WANT, though. I’m just more thoughtful about it than I used to be, and am trying to be avoid mindless eating.

    Good luck with your quest! I’m right there with ya!

  3. August 7, 2010 12:17 pm

    That sounds like a conversation I might have with my daughter. I love hearing from her, but it always happens that before I can get a word in edgewise, the call is interrupted by her husband. My God, don’t they ever talk at home, but more seriously then she wonders why I haven’t told her things.

  4. August 7, 2010 11:40 pm

    The world is full of people who talk more than they listen. It never feels good to be button-holed, ESPECIALLY when the person is your mom, the one person in the whole world who’s supposed to always listen to YOU more than talking about him or her self. How about a second opinion on the nutritionist? I agree with all that this person tells you, but cold turkey?

    I saw Middle Men today with the Urban Milkmaid [don’t listen to Rotten Tomatoes on this one and see it] and had a small diet coke. I can’t believe how big the cups are! More diet coke than I’ve had in five years! I thought of you.

  5. August 10, 2010 6:00 am

    How come no one said how FUCKING FUNNY the phone conversation was? I sat at my kitchen counter reading it and chortling helplessly. More Mom blogging, please.

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