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The Dog Ate My Sanity

September 24, 2010

If you’re not a Facebook friend of mine, you’ve been missing out on the shennigans of Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden. I’ll update you now but you won’t get all of the hysterical replies we’ve got going on at Facebook.

She went and caught herself Squirrel #5. Which I managed to swap a hot dog for. But then, that same day, she caught herself Squirrel #6. Which I did not manage to swap a hot dog for.

Instead I got to watch Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, eat the entire squirrel. In one swallow. Head first. Tail last.

I can not look at Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, the same way that I looked at her before the swallowing of the squirrel.

I am no longer able to look her in the eye. As a matter of fact, last night I couldn’t look at her without imagining an entire squirrel  in her stomach. In my house. Laying in the same shape as Stella.

I have witnessed a good number of horrible things. I watched a guy fall into a pane of glass and a large piece of glass fall into his thigh. Stella Mirra swallowing a squirrel, whole, is worse. It is something I hope you never have to witness.

I’m just thankful that she didn’t regurgitate #6 onto one of our floors. This may be because I’ve mostly been making her stay outside. Even though we’ve had a lot of rain lately.

Today while she was outside I saw her in a back corner of the yard, joyfully rolling in something. I thought that it might have been the regurgitation of Squirrel #6. Or perhaps she got herself Squirrel #7. Hell, with what the quick squirrel ingestion that I witnessed, she could very well be up to Squirrel #38. Some things are better left unknown.

I let her in the porch and noticed a ring of something around her neck so I left her on the porch and went in search of what she’d been rolling in. All that I could find was some torn up yard and some flattened poop. Perhaps a bit of squirrel fur. When I returned to the porch it became very obvious that she’d made herself a shit necklace.

Great. I believe she is pooping out the squirrel and now rolling in the poop – and probably eating the poop so as to enjoy the squirrel again.

I went inside the house and found my Playtex pastel green kitchen gloves, grabbed an old towel, some dog shampoo, and the dog’s gentle leader collar and a leash.

Genius thought we were going for a walk.

A WALK! WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK! I LOVE WALKS! WALKS WALKS WALKS! SQUIRREL!!

Did I tell you that Peter Docter, who wrote UP! is from the neighborhood and spent alot of time in the park that Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, runs to every time she escapes the yard?

Isn’t that awesome?

No?

It calms me.

I need calm thoughts when things are this wrong.

So. The dog is now floofy clean and smells like a combination of wet dog and “Buddy Wash” dog shampoo.

I smell like wet dog, Buddy Wash and Playtex plastic gloves.

Tomorrow, I test the dog’s intelligence and take photos.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. September 24, 2010 7:28 pm

    Sorry…..I shouldn’t laugh….. LOLLLLL!

  2. kris (lower case) permalink
    September 24, 2010 9:04 pm

    yes, watching your dog swallow a squirrel is bad…but imagine had she choked on it and you had to pull it out of her throat by its’ tail…. or if it had come out the same way it went in and had to be pulled out…. see…there are worse things!!

  3. September 24, 2010 9:16 pm

    I would love to follow you on Facebook! How do I find you there?

  4. Kathy F. permalink
    September 25, 2010 4:06 pm

    Oh wow. I can’t stop laughing at this one. “Shit necklace” indeed! 😀

  5. September 26, 2010 7:43 pm

    Yep, there goes my dinner.

  6. September 27, 2010 8:05 pm

    “I am no longer able to look her in the eye. As a matter of fact, last night I couldn’t look at her without imagining an entire squirrel in her stomach. In my house. Laying in the same shape as Stella.”

    Hee! LOL
    HEE!!

  7. September 28, 2010 12:01 am

    The stupid rabbits around here would make nests INSIDE the fenced yard where live several predators. Marva would eat the baby rabbits and would chase down and eat big rabbits as well. Her 8 week old grandson caught a baby rabbit his mother flushed out of the nest, and she has sister and great niece in Michigan that are Varmint Killers. The sister has not once, but TWICE caught and tried to swallow a SKUNK. The great niece too loves squirrels. Marv got tapeworms from eating the little bastards. Expensive medicine for five dogs, ya worm one ya gotta worm em all.

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