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Have I Got an Assignment for You!

October 12, 2010

I don’t want to get into it now. I’m exhausted. But today was a much better day. The god stuff was set aside and the 12 step program was covered without it. Hallelujah.


And the nasty woman didn’t get under my craw because I was smart enough to keep my distance this time and thankfully,  we didn’t break into small groups for discussion.

What I’ve gotten out of this program – the  very big thing – is that I am powerless over my son’s addiction. He’s the only one who can manage it. I have been spinning and spinning for years. Hoping to find or say the right thing that will get him to understand that he needs to accept his addiction and do something about it.

He is no longer allowed to control our house. It’s our house. If he wants to live here, he can abide by our rules. He can be an asshole somewhere else. We don’t deserve it.

He will be allowed to live with us if he abides by our rules and treats us with respect. If he can’t do these things, he will be asked to leave. We might allow him to come back if he sincerely apologizes and is willing to abide by our rules and treat us with respect. If he’s allowed back and acts a fool later, he will be asked to leave for  a longer period of time. Or perhaps it will have been the final straw that will not allow for come-backs.

I know it will be difficult to kick him out but it hasn’t been easy to be walked on, lied to, stolen from. For years, people. Years.

I will finally allow my network of people in to help me through the difficult times. I’ve been pushing people away for years now. The breast cancer made it necessary for me to let people back in. If it hadn’t been for the breast cancer, I would have been down to no support and no one to talk to. And now that I’m turning my power over to the moon and the sky and the oak tree and kittens and puppies, I don’t have to be responsible for another adult’s choices anymore.

I finally understand that addiction is truly a disease. But that doesn’t give someone the right to refuse to manage their disease and try to make everyone have it, too.

The  Big Nugget and I are accused of being assholes. And were I an addict, I’d think the same thing too. If, by asshole, you mean “someone who won’t allow you free reign of their wallet and house,” that’s us.

Instead I like to think of the Big Nugget and I as a Dictatorship. Either way – it’s our rules in our house. You don’t like it? Find your own place to be in charge. That doesn’t mean we don’t love him and we won’t support him if he’s working on disease management. It means that we don’t want to be part of the sickness anymore.

Well then, looks as though I’ve had enough energy to write a little bit about it. It’s also good to get it out here, for my blog readers to read. I’ve kept so much of this to myself. I might have touched on it in the private blog (that I rarely use anymore) but here it is on the real blog.

I won’t go into details. But I will blog about it, sometimes, when I need to. I get the best support from you people. You are now officially one of my Higher Powers. Congratulations!

12 Comments leave one →
  1. October 12, 2010 7:58 pm

    My pretend internet friends are seriously the most powerful force of belief in the world, and nobody inspires loyalty and verve the way that you do Kath…

    PS- The surface of my dining table is clear now! I can actually imagine a dinner party.

  2. October 13, 2010 6:11 am

    That important fact that addiction is a disease is soooo important. I think the only reason I latched onto that so early in the Rainman mess was because it helped me to explain what was going to A. on when he went to rehab.

  3. October 13, 2010 8:24 am

    You’ve got it! May the Force be with you.

  4. Jean permalink
    October 13, 2010 8:31 am

    Hats off to both of you for taking back the control of your household that is rightly yours. Some of the best advice my mother ever gave me (miss you, Mom!) was ‘The hard thing to do is almost ALWAYS the right thing to do”.

    I’ve applied that in my life a zillion times. And been universally glad that I did. The times that I took the easy way out, I’ve been sorry. Not right that minute, but later down the line when I knew I could have changed the outcome, but now had to live with the decision I made.

    Asshole isn’t a bad thing to be sometimes. Sometimes Asshole=strong. Love ya, Kath!

  5. Ruth from SC permalink
    October 13, 2010 8:49 am

    You go girl! This is your life and with it comes the right to live it with quality, dignity, and respect. I went to Al -Anon for several years because of the addiction of a family member and while I didn’t agree with everything they said, there was enough to hold on to and it got me thru a very difficult time!

  6. Leslie permalink
    October 13, 2010 10:13 am

    Wow. Just wow. I am so happy for you. Best thing ever – and believe me, from my own parental experience, it does get better.

  7. Lori in Houston permalink
    October 13, 2010 10:13 am

    The only person you can change is yourself. Once you understand that – truly understand that – you’re free.

  8. Diane B permalink
    October 13, 2010 10:20 am

    You are incredibly strong to be dealing with everything you have on your plate and still have such a sense of yourself. I admire you.

  9. October 13, 2010 11:39 am

    Take what you need, leave the rest. Cafeteria plans work out pretty darned well.

  10. October 13, 2010 6:11 pm

    Nothing like a whole pantheon of Gods & Goddesses to keep you going. I’m sure glad the Al-Anon is giving you perspective. Lots of hugs and love from this Goddess!

  11. October 13, 2010 9:17 pm

    I need to send my mom to whatever program you are going to. My sister is 33 years old with three children and STILL controls my mom’s home and wallet with her addictions. Good for you for putting your foot down. Your son really is the only one who can help himself. (As a mother myself, though, I understand how hard it must be. I have a lot more sympathy for my mom now than I did pre-parenthood).

  12. October 15, 2010 4:18 pm

    I feel for you, I really do. Tough love isn’t for sissies. You rock!

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