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Lather, Rinse, Repeat

November 11, 2010

You know how yesterday I was all, “I’m going to go for a walk and I’m going to leave the dog o’muscle behind” and you were all, “that’s really smart because you are still healing from those scars that almost circle your arms!”

I took Stella Mirra, Retrieved Golden, Certified Squirrel Sushi Chef with me because:

1. I love talking a good talk but walking a bad walk,

2. I hate walking by myself. I talk to Stella while we walk. Things like, “No, you can’t eat that squirrel, you have squirrel at home.” or “Really? Do you have to pull constantly?” and “Get up! Get up! Get up!” (if I let her leash out, she runs on the grass and drags her face on the ground in an attempt to remove her Gentle Leader Leash, leaving a Gentle Leader Leash divet on her face for the next 24 hours or more)

And I took her AFTER you guys sent me all kinds of “that’s a smart thing to do” e-mails (and lap’s vision of Stella wearing at Kitchen Logic sweater – HYSTERICAL!) Did you people know that I know better than you? Advise away – and maybe one day I’ll actually listen.

Our walk was typical. Every time we approached somebody, she got all  hyper and happy and wiggily and waggily. And everybody she acted a fool in front of had the comment about how much energy my dog had and boy, isn’t that a happy dog! People want to pet her but I don’t allow it because Stella takes advantage of those pets and turns them into crotch smellings and jumping up ons.

Man, I love making up words and changing the face of grammar.

I’ve quit being mad at her while we’re walking. She’s a hyper fool and even if all of you were to write to The Dog Whisperer on my behalf (please?) he could be of no good here. She would wear him out. He would retire and it would be my fault. Like I don’t have enough problems already?

So I just pull back and pull back and pull back. Which, according to Ceasar Milan, should never happen because she should be walking beside or behind me, not in front of me. But let me tell you, Mr. DogSmartyPants, I’ve tried the walking beside and the quick tug and the “shh!” thing and you know what happens? Goofy damn dog knocks me over because the only way she’s going to be walking beside me is if she’s on a 6  inch leash. I’ve been trying, for years, to take slow walks where I work on correcting her pulling addiction and she complies. Until we are three steps out and then she does it again. It’s been lather, rinse and repeat for years now. I’m thinking of changing her name on the veterinarian’s files to Stella Tenacious Mirra, Retrieved Golden.

How did this entry turn into an entry about Stella? Damn dog has way too much power over me. Which makes sense because what I’ve been learning lately is that I am powerless. So powerless I should just lay down and suck my thumb.

But I will not! I will stand up, strap the dog into her Gentle Leader Leash (a process that needs to be captured on film and posted on YouTube) and take her out again. For my health. And another dose of humility.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. November 11, 2010 10:17 am

    Oh Kathy Kathy Kathy, you stay walking with Stella because you don’t want to walk alone? That is sounding suspiciously like an abusive relationship. If you end up with a broken arm or black eye Stella will just play innocent puppy while Thor gets all the dirty lo0ks and hostility, but I’ll know better. I’ll be so much smarter than the detective in The Lovely Bones and I will visit that dog’s house and I’ll just know where she’s hid your remains. (In her gullet from swallowing you whole of course). I’m not sure where all these immediate serial killer metaphors keep coming from, but that’s got to be telling, right?

    • November 11, 2010 10:39 am

      lap? I think you hit it on the head! I’m in an abusive relationship with my dog! I think I’ll keep her around in case the Big Nugget gets on my nerves. Then I’ll call in the po-po and turn HIM in! Awesome!

      p.s. I LOVE your new website. Must go and link it, now!

      p.s.s. I’ve got a jones for Burger Jones. Let’s go back!

      • November 11, 2010 4:20 pm

        MMM I will meet you at Burger Jones anytime! How about sometime next week?

  2. Gretchen permalink
    November 11, 2010 10:47 am

    But what happened? Did she pull your skin off like a sweater or not?

  3. November 11, 2010 11:03 am

    The Dog Whisperer never would have worked for me. I put the leash on the dog, opened the door, and ran. That was his choice. I must have looked pretty funny, and I’m sure he never did that when someone else did me a favor and walked the dog.

    After all these years, I think I’m still benefiting from all that forced exercise. (No gym fees, either.)

  4. goatbarnwitch permalink
    November 11, 2010 7:00 pm

    Six inch leash too long for willful dog just lea around by the collar until she gets the message. (this is your fortune cookie!)

  5. goatbarnwitch permalink
    November 11, 2010 7:01 pm

    (take two) six inch leash too long – just lead around by collar untill she gets the message.

  6. kris (lower case) permalink
    November 11, 2010 10:52 pm

    have you tried the gentle leader easy walk harness? i think it works for stopping the pulling. might work better than the head thing.

  7. November 12, 2010 8:03 am

    I know this sounds mean, but I had a lunger too. I filled up a squirt bottle with lemon juice and water and let him have it right in the face a few times when he acted like a fool. It was like peeing on him…only different. It also worked!

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