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Just Like Brad and Angelina

December 14, 2010

I had a few goals when I went to the ophthalmologist yesterday afternoon…1) to get my eyes checked and see why everything looked so much fuzzier than a year ago, and 2) get my pupillary (?) distance measurement so that I could order glasses on-line and save a million, trillion dollars.

“They won’t give you that,” The Big Nugget said.

“Yes they will,” I said.

According to him, orderer of online glasses with his self-measured pupillary distance, it’s the last hurdle that the optometric (!) world won’t give out, not wanting to cut into their eyeglass money-making empire.

“I’ll get it,” I said.

So off I go to the neighborhood eye clinic. Which is a huge chain of metro-wide eye clinics. When I got to the building, the place was mostly the eye clinic with just a sprinkling of other offices. One of them being a secretarial service. For real! Didn’t those go out of business in the 90s? I have to go and check that out some time! I bet there are women in nylons with garder belts! (Why is “garder” being spell-checked? Is it no longer a word? What about sanitary pads? Nope. No spell-check warning.) From what I could figure, they have an ambulatory surgical center right on the premises. I’m going to file that away because it would be so much better to get cataract surgery without having to go through the hospital. Not that I have cataracts and not that I can possibly remember the surgical center 20 or more years down the road.

After I checked in and waited to be called back, I noticed a sign that said they now check your hearing, too. Which annoyed the heck out of me because, really? Can’t they just keep their specialty to their specialty? What are they going to do next, put a Red Box movie rental kiosk in their waiting room?

Tacky, I thought. Which just made it easier for me to be tacky and ask for my pupillary distance measurement.

I got called back by the doctor’s assistant, who pretty much did all of the work with the glaucoma check and the lens check. BTW that glaucoma check? That freaks the crap out of me. I warned her up front that if I start to feel anxious, I’ll start to get facial tremors and then good luck getting anything up next to my eyeball. I’m glad they don’t use that eye puff anymore. But damn, that blue light gets smack dab next to your cornea.

Do you know that I didn’t have one tremor? Sans Xanax? All it takes for me is to announce that I’m anxious and then the anxious, it’s gone. I’m so weird.

After the exam showed that my prescription had only changed a little, and that I could get by with  my current glasses, I asked the doctor’s assistant, “Do you think I can get my pupillary distance measurement?”

“We don’t do that,” she replied, “the optometry department does that when you order glasses.”

Damn. That’s how they get by without sharing that valuable piece of information.

“Shoot,” I replied, “I wanted to get new glasses for cheap, online and I need that measurement to get a better fit.” Honesty. Blunt honesty.

“You can stop by the optometry desk before you leave and they’ll give it to you,” she replied.

Wow. Cool. Really? I didn’t believe her. I figure she was passing me off to the next person who could say no, when she just couldn’t say no to a woman with chemo-thinned hair.

The exam with the ophthalmologist showed no issues. He figured my eye sight might be a bit worse because the chemo does something to the oils that coat your eyes, temporarily, so gave me a couple of eye drop samples and sent me on my way.

BTW – another sign in the second waiting room shared that they now do pre-op exams.

Seriously?

Will they be offering lattes in their mini-cafe?

I stopped by the optometry desk, where I planned to be rejected. But was measured by a very peppy gal who didn’t seem to have any issues with giving out such valuable information. Probably because they’re making their money with hearing checks and pre-op exams. Maybe when I go back next year they’ll be offering pap and pelvics. A mammogram in the closet.

I called The Big Nugget and gave him the news about getting the measurement. I know he’s jealous. He’s tried to get it from a few eye clinics in the past, with no luck.

“It’s the hair,” he said.

“Sure is,” I replied, “How about I run back over there with you and ask her to measure your eyeballs?”

He didn’t accept my offer. Instead he used me to gauge the accuracy of the measuring thing he got from the online glasses site. It was pretty accurate.

Oh! How could I almost forget this. The gal who measured my eyeballs said, “You’re symmetrical.”

“Like Denzel Washington!” I replied. I know. Weird.

“And like Angelina and Brad!” she replied back. Kindred goofball.

This morning I went to the dermatologist and was diagnosed with the actinic keratosis, reader Lisa  said it was. Thanks Lisa! He sprayed me with liquid nitrogen and sent me on my way. Ouch! I also made an appointment for the first week in January for some laser work to remove a broken blood vessel from the bridge of my nose and a few other areas that bug me. That broken blood vessel on my nose makes it look as though I have a permanent zit. I can cover it up with makeup but it shows again in a few hours.

He also gave me a prescription for some sort of cortisone tape that will help speed up the healing of my port scar. Of all the scars I’ve received from breast cancer, the port scar appears to be the angriest.

The dermatologist told me about his sister, who had breast cancer, who’s hair came back a different color, thicker, and curlier. I almost punched him. But I did not for fear he’d use the canister of liquid nitrogen to defend himself and that shit really hurts!

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. December 14, 2010 11:08 am

    It’s garTer belts:

    • December 14, 2010 11:11 am

      I should have known that, having come from the sanitary pad/garter belt period. Hah! Period! ewww. gross.

  2. December 14, 2010 11:10 am

    Hey! The rest of my comment got cut off! Never mind. I’m at work and shouldn’t be doing this, anyway. 😉

    • December 14, 2010 11:11 am

      I need to know what you were about to say! Quit your job and get to commenting!

  3. December 14, 2010 11:56 am

    A page from history (fanfare): in 1964 the “better” hosiery companies began making pantyhose in response to the skirts that were getting shorter and shorter. (You couldn’t even get something out of the bottom desk drawer if anyone was looking!) There had been some experimental pantyhose before, but they weren’t flattering or comfortable.

    I guess it’s 45 years since I even considered garter belts — especially since students at our school were advised to wear girdles, “not to make you smaller but to control jiggling.”

  4. jeanniekay permalink
    December 14, 2010 4:19 pm

    Now garter belts are used solely for naughty fun…with fish net hose. Hee!

    My grandma used to wear some kind of gigantic covered rubber band thing (like a pony tail holder on steroids) to hold her thick nasty ‘hose’ up. She darned them, too. Nice.

  5. Leslie permalink
    December 15, 2010 12:02 am

    I thought I was going to have to make an eye appointment until I realized the snowflakes on the banner continue to fall behind the text. Whew!

  6. December 15, 2010 9:46 am

    This memory was triggered by the little history lesson from l’empress about garters being doomed by the arrival of the short skirt fashion, especially by her statement that “You couldn’t even get something out of the bottom desk drawer if anyone was looking!”

    In the spring of 1967 I was in a department story with my (first) wife and a friend of hers, both 20 year old college students. My wife, who was five feet tall (although she used to insist that she was really almost five feet and a half inch) was trying on a mini dress — perhaps I should say micro mini. It was short! Her friend (who was at least five ten, maybe five eleven, but otherwise the same size in terms of dress size as my wife) decided that she liked the look of it and she decided to try one on also.

    They came to find me to see what I thought. The dress did look good on my wife — youth lets you get away with a lot. However I think her friend may have caused numerous shopping car collisions on their way over to where I was. “You couldn’t even get something out of the bottom desk drawer if anyone was looking!” Hah! Wearing that dress she wouldn’t dare get anything out of any drawer. I asked her to raise her arms and then pointed out that that action caused the hem of the dress to lift enough to show her underwear.

    Her friend bought the dress. She spent part of that summer in England and brought that dress with her. She later told us how that dress helped her fit right in with the Carnably Street fashion scene in London.

    Long ago, long ago…

  7. December 15, 2010 12:13 pm

    Garder belt….haaaa must be related to the garder snake.

  8. December 15, 2010 1:23 pm

    when my son was getting married, his fiancee spelled it “guarder belt” in her wedding planner. i didn’t correct her, i just kept it to myself to reflect upon when she pissed me off.

    i recently broke 4 pairs of glasses in a week: my regular glasses, my backup glasses, the really old ones i kept in the glovebox for emergencies on the road and a pair i mcgyvered together out of eyeglass pieces, rubber bands and the twistie ties from bread loaves- talk about geek chic! one pair i somehow managed to run over with the car- don’t ask!

    i had to get a copy of my prescription from the optometrist and she slipped and gave me my pupillary distance by accident- i caught the person at the next desk giving her an evil stink-eye. they kept saying “you’re rx is expired. no one will fill them.” she wrote EXPIRED in big red letters across it. big haha joke on them, i just imput the numbers into tthe web site.

    long story short, zenni optical hooked me up with specs fro under $13 and i got them 7 days after i ordered! my husband keeps saying i should get an exam so i can see better, but with real glasses being worn, i can see better.

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